Blog entry for:

and self-awareness goes right to the heart of the matter, the person who believed my deceptions nearly one hundred percent of the time was me. i lived a lie for five decades and pretended that somehow i had already “dealt” with the shame and humiliation that was at the core of that lie. the fact is, all i did was swallow it and hide it pretending i was “fine” and pushing it back down whenever it came to close to the surface. today, i am certainly happier and better able to care for myself and those around me, because i do not have to live in the fear of being found out. this morning, after a very rough couple of days, where i allowed myself to fall into the trap of not being “good enough” for various reasons, amongst them is a failure for my code to run in an upper environment and my lack of skill in playing my best players in fantasy football. in reality neither of those reasons should be a cause to doubt myself and yet i still do.
what is getting through my thick skull this morning, is that i can and will make what corrections i may need to make to my code to cover the issue with the database and make sure i always return some sort of response for the end users. i will take my losses in fantasy football as a lack of patience and an example of investing far too much in a semi-random set of events. most of all., i will look to what may or may not be going on in my life, driving my dissatisfaction with who i am and what i am about, and maybe, just may consider taking the day off from work tomorrow, instead of driving down to the office. what i certainly need to do, is to opt out of my self-deprecation, just for today and be okay with the way things are right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞