Blog entry for:

though the reading today seems to be about the fourth step and the feelings associated with the internal discovery of character defects, for me it seems to address another more insidious issue -- namely the results of allowing or denying myself to feel my feelings.
it is true that writing my very first fourth step brought up all kinds of different feelings for me, but i was barely sixty days clean at that time, so was hardly capable of feeling much of anything except anxiety, rage and depression. if a feeling came up that could not be fit into one of those neat containers i suppressed it by acting-out, buying something or pigging out on food. not very healthy and certainly not a course of action i would recommend for anyone else, but i got through clean and moved beyond my fifth step.
today, i still use the same behaviors to suppress what i think are uncomfortable feelings. the fear of feeling something uncomfortable and indefinable forces me into the fight or flight response, that is hard-wired into my brain. and unfortunately it is the first fight by denial of the feelings existence and failing that it is flight into behaviors that allow me to feel something different, and finally if all else fails than i use. i have yet to fall back on that final solution and i have been coming to realize that i do not have to go through that process at all. when i am afraid of feeling i could of course speak to another addict and ask for their experience. strength and hope about what is going on. and that feeds the fear by bringing up all my old stuff about intimacy and vulnerability, so i cycle back to the behavioral alternatives.
there is good news however, i am more likely to reach-out for help today than ever before. the cycle has been short-circuited several times over the past year and i am getting better of facing and living through my feelings, regardless of their source.
today i can truly say that i have never died from feeling a feeling and if my experience is any indication, nor shall i ever. and that has implications that echo way beyond what i am writing about today!
:)) DT :))