Blog entry for:

of addiction and the danger of denying my way, back into that state, is a topic that has been on my mind lately. one of the gifts i get from sponsoring my peers in the program, is a mirror into my own thoughts, actions and motives, through what i see in them. one of those men, who has a bit of clean time, seemed resigned to live a life based on what he knew, rather than move forward into his recovery, by taking action. my greatest fear for him, is that he is becoming “institutionalized,” as more and more, i hear some of the same tropes and notions that i have heard from others that have been “around” the program but cannot get their lives together outside of the walls. the term “three hots and a cot,” seem to signal a resignation to a life that never moves into becoming a productive member of society, and what i have seen, is that means sooner or later they end up using. in my current state, i can see myself surrendering to a “prison” of a different nature and ending up deciding that this recovery gig is not paying off. abstinence is fine, as far as it goes, but fore me, that is not “good enough.” am i truly okay, with staying where i am, smack dab in the middle of STEP FOUR, just so i do not have to face the prison of the lies i have adopted to protect my ego and my identity from the outside? am i okay, slumbering my way through life, denying that i am far from “fixed” and learning to discard the notions of who i am and seeking an identity based on who i might become, if i allowed myself the freedom to move through this step?
questions, questions, questions, but they all come down to the fact that i have been snoozing my way through my recovery lately, because it is the easier, softer way. the reading this morning certainly raised all sorts of alarms and perhaps even a “wake-up call.”
maybe, just for today, i will break out the notebook and pen and finish what is in front of me, rather than pretend that everything is perfectly “fine,” just the way it is. i really do not DESIRE to wake-up one day with a big load, coursing through my veins and wondering how the fVck i got there. there certainly may not be any looming disasters in my life and the twenty-five year “nightmare” of active addiction, is certainly not something i have the desire to repeat. on that bright and cheery note, i think i will toddle off to my next task of the morning, getting my steps in for the day. oh yeah, just so i keep my message “pure,” it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞