Blog entry for:

conscious of my feelings and reactions to life these days. last night i stepped out of my routine, because i was feeling less than stellar, emotionally and spiritually, hoping a change of pace would change the way i was feeling. it certainly did change the way i was feeling, but not in the manner that i was hoping for, in fact when i got home i was less stellar than when i left. i am often uncomfortable when it comes to “GOD” meetings and everything that was shared triggered the critic inside. as much as i want to believe that i have this recovery gig down, i get reminded that i may be better than i once was, but i am hardly “cured.”
i could detail all the objections that i had over what was shared last night, but toi what end? it did not make me feel any better than when i lived in the world of my reactions to what i “judged” to be wrong and it was not until i sat this morning, that i got a clue or two about what was going on inside. my frustrations with a team at work who will not look at their own stuff, colored my world with all sorts of garbage and i was incapable of hearing the message that was being shared. some of the conversation i had with my sponse a couple weeks ago, came back to haunt me, specifically that i no longer have any clue about what it is like to be a newcomer. i know how to stay clean for days on end, what i forget is how to get clean and the cascade of life on life's terms that fills every waking moment. i forget what it is like to deny that i have character defects by calling them something different. i forget what it feels like to bump across the tensions in what i believe and what the reality of any given situation may be. i forget what it means to feel out of place an different. in short i went to the meeting last night as a classic example of being a “snowflake” and left wondering what bus i missed.
in my spiritual view, GOD is GOD, 'nuff said. the years of fumbling around and trying to fit in are over for me and as i embark on my THIRD STEP, i can see that is both sufficient and necessary for me to move along. this morning, my life looks no different than it did yesterday. i have already chided the team that was the root of my frustration, by doing their work for them and sending them what they could and should have discovered for themselves. i could go on and on and on, but i think that i will wrap this up, go for a walk with the dawg and be okay knowing that just for today, nothing is fVcked.

∞ DT ∞