Blog entry for:

NOT be afraid of my feelings, after all. i have never seen anyone die from a feeling, although i have experienced more than one death in my life, from reactions to a feeling. in this phase of my recovery, i allow myself to feel whatever feelings that may come, without judging whether they are good or bad ones. eve with that lack of judgement, my reactions to what i feel, whether those feeling arise in the here and now or were frozen in time decades ago, i still have to allow that not all of them will be pleasant, but all of them must be part of my experience in the now, so i can forever let go of them.
i sat this this morning, what kept bubbling up to the surface of what was a very turbid pond, was the notion that i am still in the process of releasing one of my longest held and most deeply buried resentment. i am still experiencing the feelings of shame, anger, humiliation and confusion that led to learning how to live a lie. day by day, something else seems to come up from those murky depths and once again i have to relive that pain. it is more than a bit ironic that someone such as myself, who works towards balance in all things ⇛ physical, spiritual and emotional, should be dreading what may come, as i live through what was. as i got up to have my morning cup of coffee and daily oatmeal ration, i realized that because of the length of time i suppressed my feelings and how intense they actually were at the time and throughout my life, it would take a few more minutes to free myself from that burden, but each and every day, as i learn to truly forgive the perpetrator, i, myself will get a bit more balanced on the stable platform that is my life today. each and every day i move beyond being defined as a victim of someone else's ignorance and notions of what was right and wrong.
i could of course wax very philosophically for hundreds of words and beyond, but i have many things on my plate on this late September Sunday. i know that just for today, i do not require permission to be okay nor to choose to enjoy whatever this day may bring. just for today, i know the only barriers between me and happiness were constructed and maintained by me, myself and i. if i want to have them removed, than i have to let go and allow them to be diminished into the ether. learning to approach my feelings with an expectation of release, rather than fear of how i may react to them, is quite a paradigm shift and one that will certainly assist me to break down the barriers that have existed for as long as i can remember. that feels as if it may be a worthy goal for living, just for today.

∞ DT ∞