Blog entry for:

both in making the list and in becoming willing. actually projections and expectations are the biggest obstacle to my spiritual growth,. i can and often do the whole what if tango. what is i do this or what if i do that or how about what if i do…
examining each possible outcome and choosing one to work towards, paralyzes me in FEAR and INDECISION and once again the part of me that i call addiction has one another battle in our eternal war. right now, i hear what a sponsee said about being afraid to move forward because it would hurt too much. i have internalized that statement and made it my mantra for not picking up my step work. yes i EXPECT the FOURTH STEP to hurt. i PROJECT that it will uncover something that is far from pleasant AND I LOATHE having to share that particular piece of nastiness with any living being, much less my sponsor. so like many others, i distract myself by dealing with fixing and rescuing and working and just plain staying far to busy to have time to even think about writing a step.
well that will soon have to change, as i am getting less busy and the threshold of what i can tolerate within myself is about to be crossed. knowing that does not change anything, in fact it makes me that much more recalcitrant.
what is true for STEPS 4 and 5, is doubly true for STEPS 8 and 9. i am not on those steps, and yes i have more than one amend on my HIGHER POWER stack. i AM willing to have those moved off of that pile at any time, BUT like many events in this world the answer i am getting from the POWER that fuels my recovery is either NO or NOT YET, so i wait as patiently as possible for my opportunity to make those amends directly.
this morning? i am little better than alright,. i slept in and have discovered that i am no further behind than i was yesterday at this time. in fact i am ready to wrap this up and head on out to thee office. i know that making any projections or developing any expectations of the day ahead of me, may land me in hot water, so i choose to go forward paying attention in real-time and allowing the current to carry me as it will, at least that is what i feel right here and right now. twenty minutes form now? well that may be an entirely different story, BUT I DO HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY to let go of my expectations and turn it over once again.

∞ DT ∞