ร projections about actually making amends can be a major obstacle ร
Posted: Thu, Oct 6, 2011 07:17:16 AM
both in making the list and in becoming willing. actually projections and expectations are the biggest obstacle to my spiritual growth,. i can and often do the whole what if tango. what is i do this or what if i do that or how about what if i do…
examining each possible outcome and choosing one to work towards, paralyzes me in FEAR and INDECISION and once again the part of me that i call addiction has one another battle in our eternal war. right now, i hear what a sponsee said about being afraid to move forward because it would hurt too much. i have internalized that statement and made it my mantra for not picking up my step work. yes i EXPECT the FOURTH STEP to hurt. i PROJECT that it will uncover something that is far from pleasant AND I LOATHE having to share that particular piece of nastiness with any living being, much less my sponsor. so like many others, i distract myself by dealing with fixing and rescuing and working and just plain staying far to busy to have time to even think about writing a step.
well that will soon have to change, as i am getting less busy and the threshold of what i can tolerate within myself is about to be crossed. knowing that does not change anything, in fact it makes me that much more recalcitrant.
what is true for STEPS 4 and 5, is doubly true for STEPS 8 and 9. i am not on those steps, and yes i have more than one amend on my HIGHER POWER stack. i AM willing to have those moved off of that pile at any time, BUT like many events in this world the answer i am getting from the POWER that fuels my recovery is either NO or NOT YET, so i wait as patiently as possible for my opportunity to make those amends directly.
this morning? i am little better than alright,. i slept in and have discovered that i am no further behind than i was yesterday at this time. in fact i am ready to wrap this up and head on out to thee office. i know that making any projections or developing any expectations of the day ahead of me, may land me in hot water, so i choose to go forward paying attention in real-time and allowing the current to carry me as it will, at least that is what i feel right here and right now. twenty minutes form now? well that may be an entirely different story, BUT I DO HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY to let go of my expectations and turn it over once again.
examining each possible outcome and choosing one to work towards, paralyzes me in FEAR and INDECISION and once again the part of me that i call addiction has one another battle in our eternal war. right now, i hear what a sponsee said about being afraid to move forward because it would hurt too much. i have internalized that statement and made it my mantra for not picking up my step work. yes i EXPECT the FOURTH STEP to hurt. i PROJECT that it will uncover something that is far from pleasant AND I LOATHE having to share that particular piece of nastiness with any living being, much less my sponsor. so like many others, i distract myself by dealing with fixing and rescuing and working and just plain staying far to busy to have time to even think about writing a step.
well that will soon have to change, as i am getting less busy and the threshold of what i can tolerate within myself is about to be crossed. knowing that does not change anything, in fact it makes me that much more recalcitrant.
what is true for STEPS 4 and 5, is doubly true for STEPS 8 and 9. i am not on those steps, and yes i have more than one amend on my HIGHER POWER stack. i AM willing to have those moved off of that pile at any time, BUT like many events in this world the answer i am getting from the POWER that fuels my recovery is either NO or NOT YET, so i wait as patiently as possible for my opportunity to make those amends directly.
this morning? i am little better than alright,. i slept in and have discovered that i am no further behind than i was yesterday at this time. in fact i am ready to wrap this up and head on out to thee office. i know that making any projections or developing any expectations of the day ahead of me, may land me in hot water, so i choose to go forward paying attention in real-time and allowing the current to carry me as it will, at least that is what i feel right here and right now. twenty minutes form now? well that may be an entirely different story, BUT I DO HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY to let go of my expectations and turn it over once again.
∞ DT ∞