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my emotional safety was tied to keeping my mouth shut. i learned a very long time ago, that being able to retain facts and put together seemingly disparate pieces of information to form conclusions, did very little to endear me to people in my social circle or at work. i took my lessons in critical thinking seriously and it served me well throughout my active addiction. i knew that playing dumb, by not saying what i knew or deduced, was safer than being someone who might have a clue or two. coming to recovery only reinforced that behavior, as i misinterpreted all the “GOD” stuff for superstitious clap-trap.
fast-forward a few decades to the removal of my life sentence under the lie of being too broken for public consumption and i am finding all sorts of ways that i suppressed myself to remain safely locked in my prison, away from the possibility of being hurt. these days, i still understand that providing my insights to those who do not ask for it, is not a good practice and it is better to keep them to myself. i also know that when i am asked, i do have something to offer and offer it freely, making sure to use the caveat that it is my opinion and hardly a fact, even if it just might be. i also refuse to “dumb down” what i share, even when i am sharing in a facility where recovery is a new idea being grafted on to an open mind. i may not end up with a sponsee from that facility, but i give them the full measure of my experience in recovery, such as it is.
i guess, one might say, that once a know-it-all always a know-it-all, i just do not let the world in on that secret all that often. just for today, i am glad i can read the writing on the wall and do not have to seek to read between the lines, after all, most of the time it is right before my eyes and no interpretation or translation is required.

∞ DT ∞