Blog entry for:

although the JFT reading was about expectations that i may develop about making amends i really do not have much to say on that exact topic. i have learned to let go of my expectations about the outcomes of amends and do a pretty good job of it most of the time.
the expectations i have trouble with are those about myself. i expect to be getting better every day and see the results of recovery without any difficulty. when i have moments of insanity, or self-will i feel that i am doing something wrong or that i am inherently bad, incapable of growth and forever doomed to repeating the same mistakes over and over again. i know i am not unique in this regard, but i still feel different, that i am missing some vital part of this recovery gig.
the truth is that i have grown and am continuing to grow, and that i am merely another addict in recovery, with all the frailties of the human condition. although this realization helps ground me in the here and now, it is not enough some days. the addict self whispers that this whole trip is not worth the effort and i might as well give up and return to using. nothing but the temporary bliss of a substance induced fog will relieve these expectations.
that being said, i have chosen not to use today and to allow GOD to work through and in me to continue the process today.
the biggest issue i am dealing with now is FEAR and i thought i had developed some courage over the course of this journey. on monday i have to go to the hospital to be tested for a live liver transplant. my fears about this are two-fold and of course at extremes. the first is that they will find me to be the perfect candidate for the procedure and i have to face the decision of whether to proceed or not. the flip side of this fear is that they will find something seriously wrong with my liver and i will have to deal with physical illness. of course, the option that i am healthy and not the match for the procedure does not even enter my mind these days. i go instantly to the extreme cases and feed the FEAR to the extent that i have considered taking a large dose of non-prescription drugs to make sure that my liver functions are screwed up on monday.
TRUE INSANITY
now the tricky part, i just have to let go and let GOD guide me through this process and see what happens. and today i can do that at least right now.
and you know, that is the best i can do right now!
-- DT --