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i will learn to forgive myself. in the process, i will find that i no longer have to carry the burdens of the past.
and after all, letting go of my past and learning how to live in the here and now is one the greatest gifts that this whole recovery shindig can give me. what the truly amazing and astounding part for me is, is watching my fellow members struggle through steps eight and nine, make amends to as many on their list as they possibly can, and still cling to the misery of their past, and continue to spew their toxically venomous load of bile on all of those who happen to be in earshot.
now i am one of those, venting about other members when i NEED to be thinking about how this reading applies to me. and for one of my sponsees, you know who you may be note the lack of the word "SHOULD" in the previous statement. alas, i digress, perhaps thinking about forgiving myself for my behavior across my active addiction and through my recovery to this point. living in the past appears to be so comfortable for me, just because the shit is SOOOOOO familiar and that familiarity makes me unwilling to leave that place no matter how shitty and stinky it may be.
so how do i actively bring steps eight and nine into my daily life, so i no longer need to trip over the ghosts of behaviors past? well for one i can accept that not everyone is going to follow along with don’s grand scheme of things and let go of my expectations, especially where steps eight through ten are concerned. and remember that i am human, and if i choose to ask someone to forgive my past actions, and if i do my best to make the repairs they require and that are appropriate for the situation, then i being a fucking liar and a hypocrite to not forgive myself at the same time. and i have enough negative stuff rolling around my head as it is. so the easier softer way for this addict is to let go of my expectations regarding other people and the results of my step work, and just be secure in the knowledge that today i am doing my best to minimize the amends i will need to make tomorrow!

∞ DT ∞