Blog entry for:

as i was getting the topic and the seed for this exercise today, i stumbled across the entry from last year. whatever i found out on that day, led to the demise of any respect i had for that member, and my desire to gloat at their descent down a few notches, in their so-called perfectly spiritual world. needless to say, i am still not a fan, and i am grateful that they choose to stay away from most of the meetings i tend to frequent. unlike what they seem to put out, i NEED meetings and my meeting attendance is a crucial part of my recovery. having a fan club of fawning sycophants, not so much. i do not treat others as projects or as if i am doing them some sort of favor by even giving them my time and i certainly do not bend others to my will by threatening their livelihood. boy do i go on at times. here i was going to write about asking for and receiving forgiveness and i engage in character assassination. is it really assassination when i mention no names?
one of the key part of making formal amends, is not to cause any more damage. if the day comes when i NEED to make amends for what i write here, and it has more than once, then i have to find out if the injured party actually realizes ii was dissing them. it is not as if i hide very much in these missives to the “interwebs,” i do however, express very strong and often unpopular opinions, as i strive to think for myself and leave the “sheeple” mode behind me. among my less politically correct opinions, is that addiction is NOT some sort of outside force or a manifestation of a split personality. addiction is NOT an entity that speaks to me in my own voice, nor tells me to do things i would not normally do. whether or not addiction is a disease depends upon one's definition, as i certainly believe that i am not like the 85% of humanity that are not addicts. i can buy the disease concept when i look at how differently i think and realize that difference has been part and parcel of who i am, for as long as i can remember. i have come to the conclusion i am “different,” and when that difference leads to unhealthy choices and behaviors, it certainly could be called a disease. as i grow in recovery, i am finding that i CAN act on my first impulse, as my first thought is no longer wrong. as i grow in my recovery, the desire to use has left me and for the most part i do not think about using form day to day. as i stay clean and live an active program of recovery, i learn to see those i judge the harshest through the light of empathy and wonder how it is i did not become them.most of all, as i live from day to day, to the best of my ability, i begin to wonder how i can correct my opinions of those i judge harshly and clean up any damage i may have done while acting out on my emotions, instead of allowing my recovery program to take precedence.
there is HOPE for me. even though i may have all sorts of things i do not like in some of my peers, who have been “around” for quite some time, i can let go of my opinions and treat them as i would desire to be treated. i do NOT have some sort of inside track and whether or not i have “quality” recovery or not is far from relevant. what i do have is a desire to be more than i was yesterday, and if that means owning my wrongs and asking for forgiveness, so be it. expecting others to forgive me? not so much.
i know i can certainly be a sh!t and i use these pages as my bully pulpit from time to time. if you find something that needs to be addressed, comes to me and say so. i may seem cruel. harsh and approachable when i am playing fellowship troll on the internet, but in reality i have been known to say: “yeah, you are right. what can i do to fix that,” when i need to. it is a good day to be clean, and if what i write feels offensive, disrespectful or just flat out mean, to you, move along, this probably need not be part of your daily browsing stops, as i doubt what i write here, will change much over the course of however long i keep this up.

∞ DT ∞