Some memes

is an ongoing process that started when i worked those first, very shallow amends, back in my very first year of abstinence. i do not often speak of my **early recovery** in very glowing terms. there are a few things that i learned in those first eighteen months or so, i carry with me today. daily prayer, meeting attendance and service, are part of the remnants from those before times. all of those were part and parcel of doing the minimum to just get by and to “look like” i was in recovery. one more thing i can add to that list, is that for the very first time, i saw that not only did i inflict damage on others, i inflicted damage on myself and i needed to make a formal amends to me. that first one, way back when felt “silly” and awkward. my “action” was to follow through on my plan, to bolt from the rooms as soon as legally possible and learn to use “like a gentleman.”
ironically after what has been the worst two days of my recent life, i am sad and a bit sore after avoiding a T-Bone collision with a driver who believed she had enough time to turn left in front of me and not getting my paycheck on Thursday, i am not beating myself up about the series of decisions that led to both of those events. in fact, i can forgive myself for “HAVING TO” run out and do that errand, instead of sitting home and working. now i have to find a new car without a new car payment and that is not a bad thing either. where i am sitting today is that i am an idiot at times, just like every other human being, including the woman who misjudged my legal speed and decided she had the “right” to turn left in front of me. i am grateful that i tried to avoid her and did not T-Bone her, as i would have been suffering more severe consequences at a time in my life, when i can hardly afford to do so. just for today, i CAN forgive myself for making decisions that impacted my life in undesirable ways. just for today, i can look to my actions and behaviors and “amend” those that are not conducive to my growth, spiritually, emotionally or physically. with that though in my heart, i do think i will prepare to sneak out and get some recovery juju, as that feels like the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞