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thinking about this reading, and the events in my life over the past couple of weeks has me wondering if i am just a bag of expectations. i expect others to live up their responsibilities even though sometimes i fall short. i expect others to tell me if they have a problem with me, even though i keep my opinions inside sometimes. and i expect others to forgive me when i act-out of my character defects, even though i have been known to hold a grudge or three.
so what it boils down to, is that i am no saint and i have the ability to expect results from others who share the same condition -- humanity. so you may be wondering what does this have to do with not placing expectations on the results of my amends? i am wondering that too, i think what i am warming up to is that even i go into to the amends process with expectations from time to time -- i know that is hard to believe but trust me it is true. a sponsor once pointed out to me that an expectation of any kind is a resentment waiting to happen. after all, i am holding something or someone to a higher standard than i apply to myself. am i proud of this revelation? not really. can i overcome this and move on? of course, i can stop expecting myself and others to be some sort of super human spiritual giants, and allow them and myself to be human. that does not imply that i stop striving to be more than i am, it just means that i have accept reality that i am not really in control of a whole hell of a lot, especially the reaction I get from another human being when i make an amends. life is far top short to carry a resentment towards someone who did not forgive me, or release me from my obligations or responsibilities. i have enough other stuff to deal with and really do not have the time or energy to be a walking resentment bucket. i have to have the FAITH that things will work out just as they are supposed to be and let go of the results. otherwise i will not be capable of walking this path for much longer. so a deep breath, a quiet prayer and i am on my way gain. at least just for today!
∞ DT :)