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i often wonder how does one such as myself gauge his willingness? it is not really part of my nature to walk a path that requires saint-like behavior and attitudes, as i am far from being anything that can be described as saint-like. storing an inventory of how i was wronged and living in place that revenge “feels” as if it is the next right thing to do, was hard-wired into me, over the course of my active addiction. top that with a smattering of blame-shifting and one can see the conundrum STEP EIGHT has created for me, over the course of my recovery, how the heck can i not approach someone who i have harmed and expect anything but total absolution of my sins?
this morning as i pondered this point, what came from the depths is that having others forgive me, is not as important as finding the ways and means to forgive myself. the path to where i am in my life and my recovery has been one of twelve steps worked in sequence on a cyclical basis. each cycle has allowed me a bit more freedom and certainly a vehicle to become decidedly more saint-like. time and again, i wonder how much “better” i may be able to get, just as if my recovery process is some sort of mathematical function that has limits and asymptotes. as one who looks at the world around me with a rational eye, no matter how i try and fit my recovery process into some sort of model, the fact is that it defies that characterization with extreme prejudice. so i am stuck with contrasting and comparing myself to how i thought, felt and behaved, when i started my recovery journey.
where this all leads to this morning, is that like the great anti-masker experiment, proving that COVID is no hoax and even those in high places will be struck down by it, my recovery is far from complete and the evidence points to a slow and continuing growth process. i could go out without my “mask” of recovery and see how long it is before i “catch” active addiction, once again. or i can continue to live a program and see how “healed” i can get, just for today.

∞ DT ∞