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i can plan the amends, but i cannot plan the results. in the process, i will find that i no longer have to carry the burdens of the past. two-thirds of the way through the only amends i have on my list this time, and i am already starting to feel relief. the results so far have not been unexpected. as i ponder them, it is stuff i have always known and was afraid to admit to myself, and the saddest thing about what i have discovered, was that i was so blind to it for so long. i could go off into a wail about how i thought i was better than this now, and that all the work i have done in destroying my denial system has not been paying off. but the truth is, up until this very moment i was incapable of facing the truth about myself and my relationships with others. my denial system has actually been working to protect me from the unpleasant truths, until i was capable of understand, accepting and making decision in the light of this new information.
as i let go of the events of the past few days and prepare for my final and potentially most devastating task of this amends, i am filled with the certainty that there are consequences i must face, and the first of those is to decide about my participation in the various service commitments i have made.
BUT that road does not need to be crossed right now, in fact, it would be probably better to work-out, and do some work and let it roll around in my mind and my heart for a while before i take action. the need to act is not upon me yet, and until i feel that, i believe i will defer in acting. these days i can allow myself to feel and just be present, until the time is right,
so anyhow off into the fog to work off yesterday’s wonderful meals.

∞ DT ∞