Blog entry for:

of my here and now, is getting a bit tiring. i am grateful for the fact that carrying the burdens of what once was, is no longer a weight i have to bear.very quickly before i move on to what i heard and felt today, i have to say i was far from perfect at making amends without expectations. in fact i always expect the very worst, being burned down to the ground and walking out with on less relationship. i am quite thrilled that those “worst case scenarios, ̶ never came to pass.
over the past few days, a lot of stuff has popped on to my plate. other people's stuff for sure, but their stuff still ended-up on my plate. the latest was someone with a grudge, forgetting that they too were in the same spot as the person they are attempting to “burn down.” all of a sudden i am being asked to referee and explain why things are the way they are, and i am loathe to do so. as vague as that may seem, and it is intentionally so, because i do not want to have to admit i am wrong, by outting this mess. i can carry this load by myself.
an other part of this less than savory meal on my plate, is all about others giving their power away and then whining about it, in what appears to me, an attempt to deflect blame for this misadventures on to someone else, a behavior i am quite familiar with, “see what you made me do, ” was one of my favorite refrains, those six words are quick to come to my mind but seldom leave my lips anymore, as once again, i would have to admit how wrong i was, as part of the corrective action of STEP TEN. in case it is not clear, I HATE ADMITTING I AM WRONG.
what i am all about today, is sitting in the seat of the fellowship that has allowed me to live. i may not show up at meetings of my local fellowship, as i once did, BUT that is not because i am allowing myself to “hide out” far from home. these days i seek diversity in the message and dang it all, every time i share outside of my home group, i seem to end up with another sponsee. as i become more spiritually fit, i may not “need” to find myself in the middle of the boat, when it comes to the number of just for todays, i have happened to accumulate. for me, seeking the center has been a task that has kept me clean through the trials and tribulations of the past three years. as i am more centered and feel ready to participate in my local fellowship again, i find that i have build relationships elsewhere that i am not ready to discard or even let wither. so i just stuck where i feel comfortable and as a silent witness to the chaos i only “hear” about. as i prepare to wrap this up and let go of what is not mine, i can be okay that how i acted in the past, does not need to be THE PRECEDENT i need to follow as i make my choices today.

∞ DT ∞