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the spiritual awakening i experience in working the Twelve Steps reveals to me a life i never dreamed possible.
well perhaps i thought the life i am living was possible, but i do not remember when that may be. i was different for as long as i can remember and never thought i could be successful, graduate from college, own a home or have a relationship with someone i wish to spend my life with. those dreams faded out into the blessed haze of my active addiction. i willingly left those dreams fade away because i would do nothing that would jeopardize my next fix.
so it goes…
so today when i look back at how recovery has changed my point of view i am amazed at how much change has really occurred. no i am not rich, nor am i famous, BUT i am becoming content with myself just the way i am today. i have had many spiritual awakenings and although this reading mentions that specifically, what it really speaks to me about is the loosening of my selfish, self-centered, self-obsession. it would be nice to say that has been removed from me, but as i shared in a meeting last night where selfishness was the topic, acceptance of the fact that selfishness is at the core of that part of me i call my addict, is a better manner in which to live. since i am and will continue to be an addict, that part will never be gone. what is hopeful though, is that the process of living the steps removes the NEED to act on that part of myself, little by little, day by day. i can live in the shame of being a self-centered sh*t or i can let go and let the process teach me how to live in a less selfish manner. today, after my massage, i am in the mood to let go, and let something else guide my actions. life within the framework of this fellowship is a far better choice today and one i choose to accept and move forward with, just for right now. who knows what the next few hours will bring!

∞ DT ∞