Blog entry for:

i get more - more than just not using! okay, before i get rolling into this little exercise in mind melding i need to say that: i am grateful recovery gives me the means to stay clean, just for today. i am a member of the No Matter What Club and that membership is only because of the program i CHOOSE to apply to my daily life. although i have often deride ,my peers, using this exercise as some sort of a bully pulpit, because they choose not to move beyond staying clean, the fact is, everything else is dependent upon staying clean, no matter what. nothing that comes beyond would be available IF i choose to use, even a little bit.
caveats and apologies out of the way. for me, if this was just about staying clean, i would have been gone a long, long time ago. that is the truth, plain and simple. my fate may have been like one of the few of my former sponsees who are wasting away, physically, emotionally and mentally as wards of the county, state or the streets. this morning there is no envy for them, as they are certainly paying a price because they chose to do so, for them, it seems that staying clean was for whatever reason, not something they were dedicated to doing. as sad as it is, that too, could be my destiny. that thought, as sobering as it may be, is far from scary enough to keep me clean. in fact, the FEAR, healthy or not, that i once had that relapse was just around the corner has become less pressing and morphed into a more realistic FEAR, namely that i can choose to use, not that using is inevitable and going to jump me in some dark alley tonight. the question really does become that if i am not living ion mortal fear of relapse, why am i still doing what i did to stay clean on a daily basis? the answer is, because i get so much more out of recovery, than just another day clean.
what i get from recovery these days is a structure to my life that is different from the life i had as a using addict. i have compassion, i have hope, and i have FAITH in a POWER that fuels my recovery and gives me more than just another day clean.the most important part of all of that is the personality change brought upon by the steps. oh i am far from “cured” i can still be a self-centered a$$hole. i can still be selfish and i can still choose to act in a less than spiritually-principled manner. i can still cave into my base desires, and i can still feel the need to justify and rationalize my way through the most heinous stuff, just because i have that CHOICE today. recovery provides me with far more choices than just not using today, it provides me with the opportunity to CHOOSE to live better, than i ever have lived before.
the reading speaks of giving way the love i have been given and that is certainly not a bad idea. what i prefer to give away, is how i found that love and the gifts that love has given me, the ability to stay clean, the desire to be something more and the knowledge and wisdom of those who have preceded me in recovery.
which brings up another topic, those who have left the program for one reason or another. especially those who have some time. they gave me many gifts as well, and since i do not see them or hear from them, they may be doing just fine. they initiated me into this manner of living, and i certainly HOPE they have found a path that leads them to anywhere but active addiction. i know what i am and i have no doubts that i cannot use successfully, even after a few days in a row clean.i happen to like where i am today and am not going to do anything to jeopardize my standing in recovery. it is because of the fellowship and the love i was given, that i have a relationship with GOD, my peers in recovery, my family and my employer, not despite it. speaking of that, it is time to take of the pressing bidness that life after four days off has created for me. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞