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is still something i WANT and i would be lying if i said anything different. there is a BIG caveat to that statement, my DESIRE to get what i want RIGHT NOW, has been diminished over the course of the days i have lived a program of active recovery, so there is a bit of HOPE for me, yet. i have come to accept DESIRE as part of the human condition, mine in particular. i have also come to accept that as an addict, i have taken DESIRE to a whole new level. the fact that some days i still ask to be relieved of whatever burden “feels” like it weighing me down, seems to indicate that there are still a few echoes of my “SANTA GOD” concept, floating around. as many times as that concept failed to deliver, i still seem superstitious enough to fall back into that paradigm,. when the going get tough.
as daunting as it may seem, following the spiritual path that has chosen me, means that i need to let go of the concepts, ideas, theories and notions, that have littered the path of my recovery. all in all, when i place my FAITH in the program and accept that i NEED to be awake and watching for my next opportunity, i live a a life that is characterized by serenity and abundance. when i stumble back into DESIRE, which of course happens every single day, i wail and gnash my teeth about how awful the world is treating me. once again, i choose to be a victim and seek “divine intervention” to raise me up to being a victor. in those moments of self-will, when i feel powerless, i grasp for whatever i can, to alter the way i am feeling, and the results are almost never what quite what i wanted, fueling a cycle of selfish, self-obsession.
today, i take my battle with the varmints under my porch to a new level. instead of just piling rock in, i will tamp it down, to make it harder for them to remove. so far, they have been going “around” my varmint barrier, because i have been lazy in building the rockfall. although that has meant more time for me to do nothing, they still had a path into the void in the concrete under my porch. a bit of due diligence is required on my part, as well as another bag of granite chips, and perhaps a splash or two of my human scent, to make even touching the barrier unpalatable to them. before all that happens, i need to get my miles in and figure out how to spend as much time as possible outside the house. my lock-down starts tomorrow morning at 8 and before that time i want to get as much time away from my computers and my home office, as i possibly can. lazy no more are my watchwords for this twenty-four hours and as darkness descends at five O'clock today, i have many tasks to get done, before sunset tonight. it is, after all, a good day to stay clean and grasp what opportunities come my way.

∞ DT ∞