Blog entry for:

fix things for me or getting me out of the trouble, i find myself in, is still a backstop action, even though i have moved away from that sort of spiritual path. ironically, even though i am not feeling a sense of doom or severe angst about repaying what needs to be repaid, i still want an easier, softer way out and i find myself reverting to the sort of “foxhole” prayers that once punctuated my waking existence. as awkward as that is for me to admit, it is the reality in my spiritual life and i do see how this “spiritual relapse” of sorts is hindering my progress in surrendering my ENTIRE will and life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. as interesting as this all may sound, i remind myself of one of my peers, who has the same spiritual path that they have always followed, but who will not allow themselves to surrender to the FAITH that living this program requires of us. i hear their justifications and rationalizations for their self-will coming out of my own head, and the spots they have reserved for self-will, are mine as well. to tell the truth, it irks me to no end that no matter how different our paths may be, i fall into the same selfish, self-centered cadence that they do. i DO NOT find that comforting or pleasant, in fact it sets up a rebellion of sorts in my conscious self, to strive to be more sage-like, rather than saintlike. and so the battle is joined.
this morning, however, as i sat and listened, i actually could not even remember what this reading was all about. there are times when i am not present and forgetting what i just read, is certainly a symptom of me being “somewhere else.” where that somewhere else may be, well i have no clue, but not having a seed as i set down, certainly kept the quiet a whole lot quieter. as i started my morning i became certain that as self-willed, selfish and self-centered as i have been feeling over the past few weeks, that this could be just another “phase.” no unlike a rebellious teenager, i am rebelling against what i see as the echoes of a spiritual path that i once wholly ascribed to, and am angry that when times get tough, i give up and surrender to the all to familiar, rather than having the courage to move through the tough times using the tools at hand. it is not the path, old or new, it is the familiar stories about the way out, that i am finding less than palatable. here i go again, railing against what is, instead of letting the POWER that fuels my recovery to make it what is not. i suppose that i have wasted enough of my personal power, time and energy in trying to resist what comes so unnaturally to me, FAITH, that maybe, just maybe, the time has come one again to allow myself to cease fighting the path i know i correct for me. unlike one of my peers, who shared at last night's meeting, i do not have FAITH in the LAW of ATTRACTION, and do not believe that “positive” thoughts will bring positive results. no, i believe that if i want something, i have to allow myself the FREEDOM to watch for the opportunity to attain it, but more importantly i need to get out of the way and patiently wait for the opportunity to present itself, which may happen in the next five minutes, but may take five hours, five days, five months, five years, or never happen at all. it is not my job to force what is not into existence. great work when one can find it, but just for today, i will trod that path and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞