Blog entry for:

i can be insecure and believe that life is about getting, and i ALWAYS want more.
so yes, a bit dark and gloomy for day two of work from home because. i could go on and on, but working in my fortress of solitude, while nice for a change of pace, is not what i am about today, and i may run out to the gar store for some isolation, pretending to be social as i work from that location. in reality, i will; move in and out of this space all day long, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, as i work a bit less diligently than i would have from the office. after all, this is all about me!
okay a brief diversion into a bit of service work and i am back. self-centered obsession with self. it really does not sound all that bad, does it? after all, all of the pop psychology gurus and motivational speakers, seem to harp on people not thinking highly enough about themselves, and to change their attitudes around to be the center of the universe, not just have the view from there. when i walked into the rooms, i thought i put of an air of self-absurdness and self-confidence, and i was certain who i was, in all my magnificent glory. what i discovered,w as that was all an act, and smoke and mirrors to hide what was really going on inside of me. as the steps and my peers in recovery, removed stuff from my bag of tricks i was left nekkid and unprepared to face the world. those who were here when i got here, gave me the love and the instruction, albeit not nearly as gentle as it is these days, that i required to learn how to be the real me, or at least get on the path to becoming the real me. once again. borrowed concepts of spirituality were given and accepted, and in the long run, i see the harm that accepting everything at face value did to me, back in the day. the struggle to finds my place in the spiritual world was never removed, merely deferred, and honestly when i look at it today, the urgency to get me through that set of steps in the wrong fellowship, was really not needed, as the sword that was at my neck was sufficient to keep me coming back. as i stay clean and get more comfortable with the world according to recovery, i see that they did the best they could, throughout this journey, based on what they had to work with, the shell of the person i was, at the end of my active addiction.
does that mean that as i grow more genuine, whole and self-assured, i become the center of the universe again. only when i allow myself to be. it is true, that i see the universe from the very center, that is how human perception is, plain and simple. that doers not mean that i GET to view the universe as my own personal Santa Claus, gifting me with everything my little heart desires and covering for me, when i have done something less than stellar. at times, i slip into that mode, and hence the reading this morning and its attendant blog, what i GET today is merely a reprieve from the part of me i call addiction. what this is about for me, is doing my damnedest to live as a better person, without having to plead for mercy from the powers that be. what this is about is to find a manner of living that allows me to be self-confident, assertive and self-assured, without hammering the rest of the universe into submission. the ability to do that, at least for me, only comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery. the only way i get to get all those gifts is to be awake and present for what is going on in my life, because that POWER speaks through everything else in the universe. if it comes from my twisted skull, chances are it is not necessarily a good thing. if it comes from you., well maybe it was just what i needed. anyhow, time to make the commute six inches from my home computer to my work computer, remembering that i am right where i am supposed to be smack dab in the center of the universe.

∞ DT ∞