Blog entry for:

i thought life was about getting, and i always wanted more.
and even more was never enough. however the reading was not about how deep the pit was that i had dug for myself across the span of years that comprise my active addiction. no the reading was about asking for help to fill the pit within myself, that hole in my soul, that lack of feeling a connection to anything. when i prayed, and that was not very often, i always wanted to be somehow miraculously lifted from what ever mess i had created for myself. those messes were myriad and all had a common element -- ME! so even though i chose not to believe in anything divine or supernatural, when the shit hit the fan i was begging for a way out. some of the time, well enough of the time, i got off easy, and that only reinforced the behavior. i could live my life as if there was no such thing as divine intervention, and as so as i needed a rescue, all that fine intellectualizing disappeared down the drain.
and you know what the last time i asked to be rescued, GOD provided me the answer -- the fellowship that has given me a new life. i did not like the answer, hell i loathed coming to meetings and seeing the freak show that showed up on a consistent basis. the only reason i came at all was to get the justice system off my back, after all i was a very small fish to fry and i knew if i looked like i was not going to use for long enough. they would simply go away. the irony of the whole situation is that i have a bunch of days clean, that i have honestly come by, and over the course of those days i realized that what i was missing all those years was a connection to something, anything bigger and more powerful than myself. the only catch was that i was unwilling to give up what i thought were my essential qualities. the fellowship in which i choose to recover encourages me to be an individual and not some sort of mimicry of a human being, who mouths whatever chants happen to be the flavor of the day and thinks exactly as he is programmed to think. no here i have actually come to find out who and what i am and have developed a means for filling the hole within my soul. that filling process is contingent on my daily routine of maintenance, and not on some sort of mumbo-jumbo of zealous rituals. and i get yet another day to draw breath and create a better world for myself and those who choose to share their lives with me. quite a gift and one that i am grateful for right here and right now! so off to the races and see if i can get through today a little easier than yesterday.

∞ DT ∞