Blog entry for:

even my prayers -- if i prayed at all -- were self-centered. i asked God to fix things for me or get me out of trouble. well the past 24 have been one of those times in my life that can best be described as interesting. i drove out to Limon, only to discover that my sponsee had been moved to Burlington, so i did get a chance to help send Brighton Joe, off on his final journey. we then rushed home to deal with trick or treaters and only handful showed up. my plans were absolutely wrong, all day, BUT i went with the flow, and when i sat down to go over my day last night, i was struck with the certainty, that it was as it was supposed to be. for me, that rarely happens, not the sitting down part, feeling the certainty that i did everything the way i was supposed to do it across the course of the day, even though nothing seemed according to what i expected to happen. i do remember that the entry for yesterday spoke of walking in FAITH so as i went through my plans, i learned that there is a flow to my life, and it is important for me to be present for that gut feeling that tells me to check before driving for two hours out on to the high plains of eastern Colorado.
how does that fit into the reading this morning, of being awakened of spirit as a result of working steps and living the program? that is THE pertinent question it seems. here i sit be choice at first, and now by circumstances at the cusp of my 12th step, waiting for the chance to finish working it with my sponsor, once again looking at the nature of the spiritual awakening i have been in the midst of lately. what i though was a done deal, now appears to have a bit more to go, before the process is finished, because i hardly doubt that the POWER that keeps me clean, would be picking on my sponsor just to keep me here. what i am seeing is that as i progress through this process, i am coming to a clearer picture of who i am, and most importantly where i am going. no i am not getting some sort of spiritual topographic map that shows me the land mines and booby traps, but i am starting to get an idea of the lay of the land and can set a more efficient course towards where i wish to go today. most of that vision is into a selfless sort, who participates with the world around me, giving of myself, my time and my love and allowing myself to receive that love back. the sort of person who thinks of others but does not necessarily sell himself out to attain their approval, respect or love. the sort of man who treats each of his peers as equals no more AND NO LESS. the sort of man who is confident in his program, certain in his FAITH and present in his life, moment by moment. in short, just another addict living the walk off recovery, not just paying lip service to the spiritual principle to look good.
be that as it may, today is the first day in over two weeks i have the desire to run, so as the cliché goes, i am going to strike while this particular iron is hot and go fulfill that desire. it is after all the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞