& while in active addiction, even my prayers &
Posted: Tue, Nov 1, 2011 09:06:14 AM
-- when i prayed at all -- were self-centered. i asked to have things for me or get out of trouble.
so, this has been one of those mornings where the harder i try to get ahead, the further behind i end up actually being. yes, i could ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to help me get to where i want to be time-wise anyhow, and down the task list, BUT, what would i do, if the answer i got was NOT YET? honestly, i would more than likely freak out and do something that i would prefer not to do today. instead, i am going through my task list one at a time, and when i hit the cigar shop this afternoon, i will know that i surrendered to the plan of the POWER that fuels my recovery, instead of pushing my own agenda.
as i move forward into the what i heard during the 2.2 seconds i allowed myself to listen, i am amazed that i even took any time to sit and quietly contemplate what IS going on around me. there is all sorts of changes going on. my current contract is coming to an end, i have an interview for another position this afternoon, a funeral that i will be attending on Friday and some code that just refuses to run in the old paradigm. what i am going to do, is spend a few minutes listening once again, and allow myself the freedom to start this particular day over again.
this i KNOW to be true, that once i lived in a world, where i did my best to get all the details lined up to benefit me. i lied, schemed and manipulated everything and everyone to get the results i desired. sad to say, i still fall back into that position from time to time, and what i am discovering, is that even with all my self-will, i very rarely get the results i desire. that is true today, and i have a feeling it was true way back in the day, i chose to forget all the times things did not work out as i planned and i rationalized and spun the events to fit my need to always be right. it is ironic, how often i still want to be able to wrap everything up in sunshine, smoke and mirrors. as it goes, that behavior is one of the most annoying of my shortcomings, i choose to exercise.
all of that stems from FEAR. my FEAR of not getting what i NEED and WANT. despite all the evidence to the contrary, i still have to face that fear almost daily and i know that the answer lies in returning to a state of FAITH. it is even more ironic, that a person like me, is actually writing about anything of a spiritual nature, or looking at myself and actions with something of a critical eye. that my friends is a GIFT of recovery, and one that i am most grateful for today. so it s off to few minutes of quiet time, then back to pounding a keyboard.
so, this has been one of those mornings where the harder i try to get ahead, the further behind i end up actually being. yes, i could ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to help me get to where i want to be time-wise anyhow, and down the task list, BUT, what would i do, if the answer i got was NOT YET? honestly, i would more than likely freak out and do something that i would prefer not to do today. instead, i am going through my task list one at a time, and when i hit the cigar shop this afternoon, i will know that i surrendered to the plan of the POWER that fuels my recovery, instead of pushing my own agenda.
as i move forward into the what i heard during the 2.2 seconds i allowed myself to listen, i am amazed that i even took any time to sit and quietly contemplate what IS going on around me. there is all sorts of changes going on. my current contract is coming to an end, i have an interview for another position this afternoon, a funeral that i will be attending on Friday and some code that just refuses to run in the old paradigm. what i am going to do, is spend a few minutes listening once again, and allow myself the freedom to start this particular day over again.
this i KNOW to be true, that once i lived in a world, where i did my best to get all the details lined up to benefit me. i lied, schemed and manipulated everything and everyone to get the results i desired. sad to say, i still fall back into that position from time to time, and what i am discovering, is that even with all my self-will, i very rarely get the results i desire. that is true today, and i have a feeling it was true way back in the day, i chose to forget all the times things did not work out as i planned and i rationalized and spun the events to fit my need to always be right. it is ironic, how often i still want to be able to wrap everything up in sunshine, smoke and mirrors. as it goes, that behavior is one of the most annoying of my shortcomings, i choose to exercise.
all of that stems from FEAR. my FEAR of not getting what i NEED and WANT. despite all the evidence to the contrary, i still have to face that fear almost daily and i know that the answer lies in returning to a state of FAITH. it is even more ironic, that a person like me, is actually writing about anything of a spiritual nature, or looking at myself and actions with something of a critical eye. that my friends is a GIFT of recovery, and one that i am most grateful for today. so it s off to few minutes of quiet time, then back to pounding a keyboard.
∞ DT ∞