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i never dreamed was possible, even when those **bad** old days were still quite good. hump day on my stay-cation and for the first time this week i was out of the house before 9 AM, just barely. i did not find the 24 hour ballot box and once upon a time, like yesterday, that would have sent me into a frustration driven, petulant frenzy. this morning, not so much, it just means that after a bit i will need to drive down the the county elections office and drop off our ballots, and yes, i vote, even in local elections. that was something i did, even when i was using, although i wonder how many of my ballots i “spoiled” because i was too high, too hungover or just too oblivious to the direction i was being given. it is what it was, and is now, i GET to actually do a bit of research and vote my conscience for a change, instead of choosing the lesser of two evils, at least in this election cycle.
my so-called “gold-plated” problems seem to be working themselves out, as well. it is not happening as quickly as i desire, but maybe, just maybe the HOA board will override the Design review Committee and we will not have to worry about repainting our house next spring, as they will approve our colors. that is my BIG lesson in being powerless, even though i have jumped through all of the hoops, and did everything suggested. the Design Review Committee is gun-shy after making a series of very bad decisions this summer, and i get it. it easier for them just to say no, rely on the 45 day clause in the HOA agreement and walk away without having to do anything. when the painting season kicks in again, they may have a new “approved” color book to work from and they can always go back to that to make their decisions. for me, this interminable wait, even though i said go ahead to the painting company, is frustrating and i am driving myself nutz wondering if the paint will get on the house before the override arrives. i can be okay today, as i feel that doing the right thing and attempting to let go is something i can do today.
the fact that i could do a refinance, get the house fixed up and not drop that money into a spoon, is somewhat incredulous, at least for a person like me. never in my life before recovery would i be thinking about house colors on a house that i co-own with the love of my life. all of this is the result of staying clean, and yes a spiritual awakening or three. i work, i get paid time off, i have a mortgage, a car, people who love and trust me and more than a bit of the self-respect and self-esteem, i once lacked. i am far from “cured” but i am certainly better off spiritually and emotionally than i ever was, even when in the “good old days,” of early addiction. it is a good day to be clean and just hang and do as little as possible, just for today.

∞ DT ∞