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**enough,** and how do i get mine? it would be a wonderful day if i could say that those sort of concerns died an unpleasant death as i moved away from my **SANTA GOD** days. the fact is, every time i hear that i WILL be granted whatever i ask for in prayer, i long for those days of certainty and concrete vision of what a HIGHER POWER looks like for me. as i grew into a spiritual path that is more fitting to who i am, getting what i think is “mine” by right or as a reward for all of my hard work, still comes home to roost, especially when i see others getting what i DESIRE. being consumed by DESIRE is one of the paths through which my shortcomings come out and pound my spiritual life into dust. realistically speaking, all of that makes sense, in fact i could even use the word “trigger” to play victim card of how i am not getting what i deserve.
yes, i know, so f*cking spiritual that i could puke. all of this is certainly fitting as i embark on my 4TH STEP and start to inventory the parts of me that are holding me back from realizing and becoming the person i have always wanted to be. settling for less than being the best, because it is the easier softer way, is not the path to success. the story behind that behavior is that realistically i CANNOT achieve being the best, so why do anymore than the bare minimum and not have to deal with the disappointment when i do not achieve that lofty height. as a protection mechanism for my fragile ego, that works very well. as a mantra for becoming “more than,” not so much. when i sit on the horns of this dilemma: strive for the prize and possibly fail, or do just enough to show, i know what the answer has always been and the question becomes whether or not i am willing to do just a little bit more.
this morning, as i prepare to leave the comfort of my home, i am struck with the notion that maybe i do not want to get “better” as it is so much easier to live a life in bitter and cynical mediocrity. in that version, i can always be the victim and never have to own anything but my pain and suffering. in fact, if i apply myself i can be the world's best “still suffering” addict, which feeds that particular scenario, perfectly. quite the choice and one that i am not all that grateful to have this morning, as i want answers DAMMIT and i want them right now! with that thought in mind, perhaps it is time to head on down to work and see what i can be the best at, just for today.

∞ DT ∞