Blog entry for:

it was hard, living on self-will, but i did not know any other way, nor was i likely to discover another way based on the life i was living. good thing i came to recovery when i did, after all, the consequences of years of being in active addiction were finally becoming visible in my life and were finally becoming unacceptable to me. so it goes. although the reading was about surrender, what i heard this morning was the self-will theme. of course that flows naturally into the surrender theme, however i am a bit distracted this morning and unable to focus on a single anything. am i living in self-will? well, the real question is am i choosing to live in self-will, because i do have a choice today. i understand the concept of the Third step and accept its premise on at least an intellectual level all the time. however getting from my mind to my heart and into the spiritual realm, is where i often fall short. i like to BELIEVE that i surrender my will and my life all the time, without hesitation or reservations. BUT i know that this is hardly the case. so little, periodic reminders, such as the reading this morning, are certainly good for this addict. those reminders force me to do an inventory of my actions and behaviors over the period from the last time i consciously acted on the THIRD STEP, and as a result, i inevitably find my surrender is lacking. i could use such findings to feed the part of me i call my addict, that part of me that wants me to use, or i can use the converse, all the times where i was in the surrender mode and living according to the spiritual principles i espouse, to feed the part of me that is in recovery.
what is my choice today? well i have been far from perfect in adherence to my desire to surrender MY WILL into the care of a POWER GREATER THAN ME, but i have been better at it than the last time i looked. and progress is what i need to measure, because progress not perfection is the standard that tells me that this recovery gig is worth all the time and effort that i put into it. and just for toady that is enough to reaffirm my decision to remain in recovery and do what is in front of me. so TATA for now!

∞ DT ∞