Blog entry for:

fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression, less and less. well my mind is far from focused on any one set path this morning, so i am not quite certain that i should be typing away without at least some destination in mind. i am, however, also feeling that this is something i NEED to do this morning, so going with the flow is what i choose to do, regardless of where i end up. this seems to be the theme this morning. i wanted to get up early and go out for a run, when it was still cool and then eat breakfast and then take my dad out for his belated birthday and father's day breakfast. when it cam to to rise and shine to implement that plan, i ‘felt’ that rolling over for just 15 minutes more was a more appropriate today, and that additional 15 became 90 minutes. as i got up, i still have the time to get a workout completed, but i ‘feel’ that after 6 days in a row, perhaps a day off was the kinder solution, even though i have not run in over a week. even as i sit down to write this, seemingly without direction it just feels right. for someone like me to just go with what i am feeling instead of going with what i think i NEED to do, is evidence of surrender. as much as that word grates upon me, and it does, in fact it jangles my entire being, when i say it, i know that surrendering to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is a good thing. i know that surrendering to the principles of the program that has given the opportunity to surrender my will and my life to that POWER is a good thing. most importantly i know that surrendering my self-will, will allow me to live in less FEAR and LOATHING in recovery. while all of that is true, the part of me that refuses to surrender EVER, runs its monologue in the background whispering at how week and feeble i have become and how all of this is just another pipe dream soon to dissolve in a puff of smoke, leaving me worse off than before. it is that voice that drives my lack of desire to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take the reigns. it is that insidious whisper that keeps me apart from my fellows and living in isolation, after all, i am not like them, here i am, more than 5000 days past my last use, and i am still struggling to surrender self-will. i am still fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, and depression. therefore i must be failing on some very basic level at this recovery gig, and if that is the case, i might as well use, instead of putting off the inevitable conclusion and suffering through to the bitter end.
it bis a good thing that this is not some sort of new age self-help, psycho-babble kind of program. when that voice begins to affect how i am living, i have a wealth of experience to draw upon and wisdom far beyond any i feel i may possess. no this is a mutual help support program. i have an outlet for my insane thinking, all i have to do is tell another addict, either one-on-one or in a meeting and BOOM, a solution will become apparent. that well of EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE, is inexhaustible and always available to me, as long as i go to it, yes i am the only obstacle to getting what i need from those who share their recovery with me. here we come to the climax, as it were, it is SELF-WILL, that keeps me less than healthy and separates me from the source of recovery, not the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is SELF-WILL that needs to be surrendered and it is SELF-WILL that is so hard to give up. like the siren call of the feeling of getting high once was to me, SELF-WILL creates a similar condition within. how will i ever survive if i cease fighting everyone and everything and become a part of the my recovery program instead of just ‘noodling’ around with recovery?
VERY WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
there it is, the answer i have been seeking since that very first time i got high. it is the POWER that fuels my recovery that can fill the emptiness inside of me, and allow me to have so much to give willingly to others, love, affection, experience , strength and last but not least HOPE. i can and will give back and in return, be ever full, if i allow myself to cease fighting and go with the flow, which is now seeming to say, that i have no more to write. on that feeling i will say that i am grateful for a different way today and will do my level best to be more than i was yesterday by surrendering all of my WILL and my LIFE into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, at least right now.

∞ DT ∞