Blog entry for:

fix me: family, relationships, doctors, treatment programs, religious institution or the justice system. in fact, by the time desperation finally outweighed my denial, i was quite sure i was unfixable and would have to white-knuckle my way through my sentence and learn how to use self-will to keep my using under wraps and within socially acceptable limits. knowing what i know today and seeing the examples of others who have attempted to walk that path, i am quite sure i would not be happy with where it took me. making the choice to enter the ;last house on the street, all those days ago, was perhaps the best decision i have ever made. way back when i still had a strong desire to use, i wondered if i chose the correct path. today, i am certain that i did.
two days out form the devastating afternoon, i am still afflicted with a melanoma that may of may not be spreading as i pound this out. i have, however, come to some sort of terms with that fact and have decided to live my best life possible. ironically, that life does not include a trip to a purveyor of the legal ways and means to get high. i will continue to enjoy cigars, keep walking miles and miles every day, climb as many mountains as physically possible and be okay knowing what i know and not having to “stuff” or change any of the feelings that may come up, when it pops into my mind, what might be possibly happening inside of me. at this point in my life i just say FVCK CANCER and move along.
speaking of moving along, it is time to get this posted and return to pounding out the hits for my employer. i am okay with having all next week off, even if i do not want to be off from work. one of those powerless things that i can surrender just for today. it is a good day to be clean and willing to do what it may take to live the life i have been given. just for today, i will walk in the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide the opportunities to get everything i need and perhaps some of the stuff i desire.

∞ DT ∞