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lessened and my faith is growing, especially when i succeed at letting go of self-will. this morning, i am reminded of a few incidents over the course of the past few days. at my normal Monday night meeting event, i was in a room, alone with two newcomers that primarily attend another fellowship. i certainly have to admit that sitting in a room with two addicts that are **sober** provided me the opportunity to let go of my biases and prejudices. the best part, is that i was all on my own and i had to put forward the best attraction to the fellowship i call home, that i could. it is true, i was one of the worst offenders of hammering my peers about the purity of their message. i carried a ginormous stick and wielded it with great zeal. honestly, the hairs on the back of my neck still stand at attention, when i hear members sharing about being “clean and sober,” so my experience last night was certainly an opportunity to grow. i might have even been part of the attraction, as i read from the literature about what is and what is not an “outside issue,” and what it means for the addict in recovery, especially when it comes to what one is “allowed” to share in a meeting. ironically, those same words struck me as i was driving home and being a “fellowship purist” certainly walked way outside of the lines of allowing an addict, any addict, to share whatever it is that is affecting their recovery today, in a regularly scheduled meeting. my hypocrisy only became evident to me, as i sat down to compose this little missive. i am not going to wail, gnash my teeth and flail myself with a cat-of-nine tails over this. nor am i am going to get all puffed up with self-importance and wonder where the fVck my medal is, i am however, going to take the lesson to heart and see if i can alter my reaction to what i once believed was intolerable. for someone who is not a “GOD” kind of guy, i certainly got a GOD-shot this morning.
the other interesting event was an interaction with one of my peers, who shares a similar length of clean-time. he and i are finally coming to be on the same page about what the other thinks this recovery gig is all about. this is certainly the FAITH part for me, as i have the Faith,, that if i continue to live a program, i WILL be clean another day. i still have a very wealthy respect for relapse, do not mistake my lack of FEAR about it, for a lack of respect. i just have replaced my FEAR of relapsing with FAITH in the recovery program that has been my home, for quite some time now. that growing FAITH did not occur overnight and i certainly did not jump from FEAR to FAITH as the basis of my recovery program, there were many intermediate steps to get to where i am today. all of those steps and missteps were necessary to get where i am today, even my adherence to the “purity of message” phase, that may have helped build the local fellowship into what it is today. i certainly may never know what the outcome would have been, had i decided to hide in the fellowship i began my recovery in and i really do not even want to dwell in that world of “what ifs” today. i know that just for today,, i am grateful to be clean and to be a part of something that encourages me not only to think for myself, but allow others that same freedom.

∞ DT ∞