โ all i have to do is our part, as responsibly and conscientiously as i can โ
Posted: Mon, Jun 26, 2006 07:21:55 AM
and leave the results in the hands of the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS!
sounds quite simple, and in theory it is, but i find myself struggling to surrender my self-will over and over and over and over again. it really is not easy for me to get out of the way and let events unfold as they will. somehow i believe that there are many areas of my life that i can manage, if i just apply myself with a bit more effort. and when i apply the effort to force the results that i desire, i end-up twisted, battered and bruised, once again. and what i am usually left with is yet a larger, more unmanageable mess than when i started.
so if my experience with self-will shows that it is rarely successful, and my experience with allowing things to happen as they will is easier on me in the long run, why do i keep going back to trying to exercise self-will?
and the answer is .... (drum-roll) ..... i do not have a clue. i am not a stupid person, and yet i keep repeating behaviors that produce results contrary to what is good for me. i am not a faithless person, and yet i lack the trust in my HIGHER POWER to let go of managing the results. and i am not senile, and yet i keep forgetting my recent past. the clues to this whole mess are in the second step. i behave in an insane manner and act as if FAITH is just something that for when things are going the way i approve. so since the answers are in the second step, and this reading is about the third, what i need to do is rethink my transition from step two to step three and the benefits of the life i enjoy when i truly live those two steps. i know that i am powerless over my addiction and at times seem to believe that addiction is some alien force that possesses me when i least expect it. when i get into that space, i can be the victim and deny all responsibility for doing what i need to do. the actual truth that is that addiction is an integral part of me, or even more brutally honest, i am my disease. i cannot be a victim of myself, so i need to make the effort to let go and let my HIGHER POWER run the show. after all, there is very few things that i have any power over, but one of those things i how i behave in any given situation. so doing the next right thing right now is hopping in the shower and running into town to take care of what needs to be taken care of right now! more than enough!
sounds quite simple, and in theory it is, but i find myself struggling to surrender my self-will over and over and over and over again. it really is not easy for me to get out of the way and let events unfold as they will. somehow i believe that there are many areas of my life that i can manage, if i just apply myself with a bit more effort. and when i apply the effort to force the results that i desire, i end-up twisted, battered and bruised, once again. and what i am usually left with is yet a larger, more unmanageable mess than when i started.
so if my experience with self-will shows that it is rarely successful, and my experience with allowing things to happen as they will is easier on me in the long run, why do i keep going back to trying to exercise self-will?
and the answer is .... (drum-roll) ..... i do not have a clue. i am not a stupid person, and yet i keep repeating behaviors that produce results contrary to what is good for me. i am not a faithless person, and yet i lack the trust in my HIGHER POWER to let go of managing the results. and i am not senile, and yet i keep forgetting my recent past. the clues to this whole mess are in the second step. i behave in an insane manner and act as if FAITH is just something that for when things are going the way i approve. so since the answers are in the second step, and this reading is about the third, what i need to do is rethink my transition from step two to step three and the benefits of the life i enjoy when i truly live those two steps. i know that i am powerless over my addiction and at times seem to believe that addiction is some alien force that possesses me when i least expect it. when i get into that space, i can be the victim and deny all responsibility for doing what i need to do. the actual truth that is that addiction is an integral part of me, or even more brutally honest, i am my disease. i cannot be a victim of myself, so i need to make the effort to let go and let my HIGHER POWER run the show. after all, there is very few things that i have any power over, but one of those things i how i behave in any given situation. so doing the next right thing right now is hopping in the shower and running into town to take care of what needs to be taken care of right now! more than enough!
∞ DT ∞