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Our fears are lessened and faith begins to growby self-will, my life becomes less manageable than ever before. take three. as i sit in front of the keyboard this morning trying to put down in words what i happen to be feeling, i realize that my first two attempts, abortive as they have been were all about someone else. while i often use what i hear others say or what i see others do, as the jumping off point for a deep dive into myself, this morning i realized i was just writing to be cruel and hateful. not that all of a sudden i am not cruel and hateful, but i did realize it was a personal attack on someone, rather than using their behavior t illustrate where i am this morning. the fact that i can disqualify myself from all sorts of things and eliminate all sorts of people from my life, based on my itsy-bitsy feelings being hurt and polish that minor hurt into a major burning resentment, is a lesson well learned. in fact, that is what i have been struggling with, for the past ninety days, and hearing someone else share about a similar set of feelings., made me see how ridiculous and petty i am being. i can whine about the unfairness of it all, hide my head in the sand and pretend it does not matter to me, or simply run away and hide. all of that is certainly symptomatic of self-will and an unmanageable life. the simple fact is, as much as i believe others care about how i feel, the sad fact of life, is most do not, especially when it is my shite that is separating me from the rest of them.
living in self-will, certainly takes me to places i would not choose to be. there are certainly things i am entitled to, among them is a set in the rooms of the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. self-will and entitlement go hand in hand, and for this addict can lead to all sorts of manipulative behaviors and misinterpretations of what is written and what is not. somewhere down the line i got the “pursuit of happiness,” mixed up with a divine right to be “happy, joyous and free.” that “notion” was hammered home in active addiction, leading so all sorts of “entitlements,” such as being respected and trusted by all of those people i interacted with, in my daily life. that entitled self,me, brought into recovery a whole sense of worth based on what i thought others thought of me and used whatever i could find, to enhance my reputation in my own eyes. i was a reputation manager long before that sort of field of endeavor was even dreamed of, and it always came down to manipulating others into feeling for me, what i could not feel for myself.
in early recovery, and i am speaking of my first five years, not all that much changed. i still believed i was entitled to everything that i could not find within myself. i am grateful today, that my self-seeking and manipulation did not destroy the fledgling fellowship that had sprouted in my home town. under the guidance of my current sponsor, i have started to learn how to esteem, respect and value myself, and quite honestly would never run to another fellowship to hide out and pretend that i am one of them. just as i often whine about those who hide behind bumper-stickers, clichés and slogans, i have been there and done that. i cannot speak to their motives, but when i lived in that superficial world, it was all about keeping what was really going on, on the very down low. i had yet to build the respect and esteem of myself to believe i was worth letting others see who i really was, cynical, hopeful and just another recovering addict.
today, i get all of that, and would never run away from the one entitlement that is guaranteed to me, a seat in the rooms of the fellowship that has become my life. no longer do i need to go into work, carrying a chip on my shoulder, i know what my value is and it is up to me to assertively state that and move along. no longer do i need to manipulate others into pitying me or defending my imagined honor, i can certainly take care of that myself. most importantly, i am beginning to see that while my opinions are part of me and often feel like they have ultimate power over me, i do have the power to ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, to alter them to be closer to reality, as this fantasy life is no longer working for me. on that note, i think i will head on into work and see if i can engage a few peers in finding a solution to our common problem, instead of bullying themn intoi seeing things my way.

∞ DT ∞