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as responsibly and conscientiously as i can and letting go of the results, certainly looks good on paper or in bits and bytes. for me, however, it is not quite as easy as it appears to be. i am sure that wishing for and attempting to influence outcomes, is a human attribute. i am also sure that as an addict, i have twisted that perfectly “normal” part of the human condition, way out of shape and far beyond any limits or boundaries. as a result, i have to be hyper-aware of my spiritual condition and what i may or may not be doing to achieve the results i desire. yes, DESIRE, is a huge part who i am and i know DESIRE drives me to places, i would rather not go to, exceptionally bad neighborhoods that put my spiritual condition into mortal danger. when i get into that sort of pickle, and i do often enough, i have to look at what is really going on with me.

• is my DESIRE based on envy, jealousy or lust?
• am i feeling less than and my DESIRE is to shore up my self-esteem?
• have i forgotten any part of my daily spiritual routine?

that list is far from comprehensive, but it certainly provides a a starting point into a much deeper spiritual expedition.
there is however, good news on the home front. i no longer live twenty-four/seven in a state of desire and self-will. recovery has taught me that deferring gratification, is not a bad thing. recovery has given me the ways and means to accept what comes my way, and when necessary, act on what i see and feel. what once was auto-magic, is now a choice i can make, most of the time. oh, i still react with the whole “flight or fight” instinct, that has been hard-wired into my psyche. the difference these days is i can have a moment of clarity to evaluate whether this is really an appropriate reaction to the stimuli i am receiving. someone questioning my motives is not just cause to pound them into a bloody pulp or defend myself from this so-called vicious attack on my character. in fact, such an event may actually get me to look at my motives and examine whether or not there is any veracity in what i am being told. i guess that is certainly surrendering my self-will, or a vivid example off how i am learning to behave. anyhow it is time to get up, get out and get sweaty, as that is part of who i am today. i have two weeks of light activity coming up, so this week i need to pound some miles, although i may choose to take my running togs with me, so i can say i have run in two different countries, but that too, is yet to be determined.

∞ DT ∞