Blog entry for:

by surrendering to my FAITH, that i can stay clean, just for today. this morning i am drawn to the fact that no matter how much HOPE and FAITH i have in my ability to stay clean another day, there are those in my life who can find neither. they cannot or will not get and stay clean, no matter how much desire they have. there are times i want to give them what i have found, before they reach the point of no return and lose any sense of HOPE. yes i want to, have the desire to, but as i have found out from my experience in recovery, only they can decide when the time is right and do what is needed to get clean. all i can do, is to keep reaching out and hopefully kill their buzz. this is one of those things that just is. i really do hate surrendering to the fact that i cannot get another addict clean. no, getting clean is not a “process,” it is an event, staying clean is a process that builds on that “just for today” event. in cases such as these, all i have left is HOPE.
once upon a time, in what feels like a galaxy, far, far way, i was in the same set of dire straits. i could stop using for long enough to comply with the terms of my sentence, but lacked the ability to stay clean, when the window of opportunity opened. as one of those who sat in the back of the rooms, with my arms crossed and a serious attitude, there is no way i should be writing anything about recovery, mine, today. my path, should have followed a similar path to those i am thinking about today. compliance, at least long enough to get out of the system, then a return to using. or a constant recycling through county lockup on petty charges, because i chose to keep using. i refused to surrender or give up the notion that one day i WOULD use again and did the bare minimum to keep up the appearance that i was in for the long haul. it was that arrogance that led to the point where my future hung in the balance and recovery became my way of life.
that does not mean that today, i surrender completely and without reservations to anything but the fact that i am an addict. with that simple surrender, i can decide what path i will take today. i may not have this recovery gig “down,” but i have a clue or two about what i need to do today. the next thing off the stack, is to take myself and the dawg for a walk around the neighborhoods. it is a good day to be clean and maybe, just maybe i can surrender to the fact, that other people will very seldomly live up to my unrealistic expectations and do what i think they need to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞