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anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression, OH MY! this is where i could fall into the trap of quoting a few bumper stickers, throw in a worn-out slogan or three, and trip merrily away into the sunset. or i could quite easily fall into a whole lot of mea culpas, about how well i am not surrendering, feigning some sort of humility and trying to impress the living shite out of an audience that may or may not exist. the simple facts of life, is i am certainly somewhere between living in total FAITH and total FEAR and by applying a bit of self-will to many of the situations i face in my life, i GET a minute or so of FREEDOM from feeling.
one of the “feelings” i am having is a total lack of acceptance around the whole pandemic situation and wondering why i should keep taking precautions when all around me, i see others who are flaunting any sort of responsibility for their health or mine. some times i feel i would love a little pat on the back, when i pull my mask over my nose and mouth when i am out doing my work-out thing. it is no different than someone whining about being courteous and polite and not getting any sort of acknowledgement for doing the next civilized thing. based on what is occurring in the “mask-truther” states, that have sacrificed the health of their citizenry on the altar of the almighty dollar sign, i get even more put out that i CHOOSE to follow the guidelines, when others do not. i am beginning to hear what my Mom would say, “just because all your friends jumped off that bridge, does that mean you should as well?” the answer, way back when, was YES, if they all die, i will be all alone and if i survive it will show how strong and brave i am.
it has been a minute, since the logic of a ten year old boy was consciously part of my decision-making process, but as i ruminate about self-will this morning, i can see that it never has gone away, it just has become a whole lot more subtle and ingrained. when i think about it, i can see that attitude has ruled this roost forever. being part of the “in” crowd, for this addict, often means to totally disregard any common-sense and engage in risky behaviors, to feed my need for the ecstasy of thrills. climbing a fourteener may provide a sense of satisfaction when i reach the top of the world, but it lacks the adrenaline rush of paddling through a Class III+ whitewater rapid. taking the sane and simple precautions to protect myself, my family and my community from the spread of COVID-19, lacks the rush or the appreciation from the world in general, giving rise to feelings of rebellion and obstinate self-will, in this addict. i am starting to feel like those conservative snowflakes i whined about the other day, as i just want this whole pandemic thing to be done with and perhaps some “thoughts and prayers” may make it disappear completely.
well as counter-intuitive as it feels, i think i will say i am grateful for the direction i have been given and live in the bubble of concern and continue to practice “safer, saner living” through masked, social distancing. it really does not cost me anything and real men do wear masks. in the long run, who knows who will end up on the right side of history. just for today, i will let go of my desire to say fVck it all and go participate in some ignorant behavior just so i can “look” stronger, braver and more macho, than everyone else.

∞ DT ∞