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self-will, or surrendering TO self-will?
always an interesting question and one that i feel is important to address right here. an addict, who is also a very close friend has been a victim of a misinterpretation something i often say. in my lexicon of recovery terms, to surrender means to cease fighting, which he took to mean stop struggling. although the difference is subtle, semantically and for me practically they are miles apart, i can struggle without fighting, but i cannot often fight with struggling. for me fighting seems to imply more of a choice than struggling and although the difference is slight, surrendering self will instead of surrendering to self-will seems to make the distinction even stronger. if i cease fighting the notion that i have to control everything, surrendering self-will, rather cease fighting trying to align my will to that of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i have dealt with the notion of “to.&&8221;
even IF i cease fighting trying to control everything, i can still be holding on to self-will.there is certainly part of me that thinks that in some aspects of my life i know better. better than my sponsor, better than my friends, peers and acquaintances and yes even better than the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is there that i “struggle” to let go. this need to hold to bits and pieces of the detritus that is self-will, is certainly an outgrowth of the fragmented and isolated life, i lived way back when. the struggle i had was not unlike the plate juggler. there were three distinct and separate parts to my lio9fe and i took great pains to keep them separate, distinct and out of collision. each and every time i allowed them to touch in the slightest, disaster occurred, furthering my superstitious nature and making me constantly remind myself of what happens when i do not do it right. those parts? professional, family and party and when i was offered the opportunity to merge party and family from a dealer by starting a relationship, i ran screaming like a banshee. nope, life was good as long as i kept my three lives and those three Dons on their very separate tracks, within the wall of isolation that i myself had built to keep me safe and warm.
when it comes to self-will, i certainly cannot feign ignorance as some of my peers as i have been around for too may days to pretend that i do NOT know. nor can i rely on the old fallback that after all, i am only an addict and a human being, i am bound to make mistakes, as some of my more sophisticated peers, have been known to say. those lies are dead to me, dang it all, and i have to accept there will be consequences when i consciously act out of self-will, as this week has provided a bit of evidence for. the self-will piece? expecting others to put their self-interest aside and act with integrity, doing what they said they were going to do, or just not saying they were going to do something at all. unmet expectations based on the self-will of others, is self-will in all its glory and a part i need not play. yes i can cease fighting and allow those who are more self-absorbed the freedom to do what they wish, after all, i know how important it is, to look so much better than i am doing.

∞ DT ∞