โ i stopped using, and i stopped trying to fill the emptiness in my gut with things. โ
Posted: Mon, Sep 15, 2008 08:43:31 AM
i turned to my Higher Power, asking for its care, strength, and direction. slowly, my inner emptiness started to fill. so in the continuing saga of my return to normal life, such as it is, after surgery, i had a good night last night. i am beginning to see that what i eat, how much i eat, and how active i am is an investment in the next twenty-four hours and not in the here and now. so in this respect, i am starting to get that my recovery from surgery is a just for tomorrow program. i have to actively participate in my recovery program there also. yes i live in the here and now, but until my altered anatomy gets used to its new configuration, i have to make the effort to eat every so often, eat just a little bit and mix up what i put down this new tube.
so although i lack the capability to feel the emptiness in my physical gut, i still remember what that felt like in my spiritual gut. in fact the very first time i read this particular passage, less than a week clean, it resonated within me. i was nowhere near the point of accepting or surrendering or even admitting the possibility of a HIGHER POWER. i was at a place where i was looking for why i was the way i was, different from normal people, and incapable of being satisfied or even having any of my hungers satiated. the disease of addiction was an explanation that i was nearly ready to accept on that day, but a concept i accept without reservations today. whether or not it is really a disease, a condition a syndrome or anything that can be pinned down with some sort of label is irrelevant to me these days. i know that i am an addict, and the part of me i call my addiction will never truly be satiated with anything. the only thing that keeps that part of me at bay, allowing me to live a life free from the use of drugs is the loving care of my concept of a HIGHER POWER. the miracle is, that even way before i was ready to accept the concept of a HIGHER POWER, that POWER was already active in my life, giving me the capability to defer gratification for just one more day.
and so it remains today, the only difference is that i accept that POWER is coming from beyond me, filling the hole in my spiritual gut and providing me the ways and means to stay clean just for today. so it is off to restart my training program and to move into this brand new day.
so although i lack the capability to feel the emptiness in my physical gut, i still remember what that felt like in my spiritual gut. in fact the very first time i read this particular passage, less than a week clean, it resonated within me. i was nowhere near the point of accepting or surrendering or even admitting the possibility of a HIGHER POWER. i was at a place where i was looking for why i was the way i was, different from normal people, and incapable of being satisfied or even having any of my hungers satiated. the disease of addiction was an explanation that i was nearly ready to accept on that day, but a concept i accept without reservations today. whether or not it is really a disease, a condition a syndrome or anything that can be pinned down with some sort of label is irrelevant to me these days. i know that i am an addict, and the part of me i call my addiction will never truly be satiated with anything. the only thing that keeps that part of me at bay, allowing me to live a life free from the use of drugs is the loving care of my concept of a HIGHER POWER. the miracle is, that even way before i was ready to accept the concept of a HIGHER POWER, that POWER was already active in my life, giving me the capability to defer gratification for just one more day.
and so it remains today, the only difference is that i accept that POWER is coming from beyond me, filling the hole in my spiritual gut and providing me the ways and means to stay clean just for today. so it is off to restart my training program and to move into this brand new day.
∞ DT ∞