Blog entry for:

that fuels my recovery to begin the process of filling my inner void. there are days when i find that these reading are tiresome and mundane, going over and over the exact same territory in language loaded with bromides and truisms. this morning, happens to be one of those mornings, so instead of focusing on what i think i read, i will go instead into what i feel.
this bit about filling a “GOD-shaped” hole, with everything and anything i can find, is what the issue is here. it is true, that in my active addiction i could never get enough to feel satisfies and that in my life in recovery, my appetites for everything may not necessarily be satiated, but they are certainly suppressed. it is also true, that recovery is about the only thing that has ever engendered that sort of change within me. it does not necessarily follow that some sort of “GOD” is at work here, and that my spiritual journey is heading in that direction. the truth in the matter is my spiritual direction is heading away from God-head and towards something less defined and it is tough some days, in a fellowship community that is so Christian in its leanings to feel a part of that whole. i do feel different and sometimes even isolated when i hear others saying that they pray for this or that, or when they ask the group for their prayers to affect the outcome of this situation or that. i get the notion that is what they believe, what i do not get, is their assumption that everyone else believes in a similar concept, and i start to withdraw into my own little world. the worst part is even the literature of the fellowship that has provided me this lifestyle, leans heavily in the traditional Christian look at all things divine, and leaves the me out and i find myself having to make accommodations to ram the square peg of my very Eastern leanings into the round hole of the Western spiritual mainstream, and from time to time, it just does not work. all of this was brought home to me, by a new sponsee, who like me, is not looking for a western solution to a eastern leaning, and he is finding difficulty fitting in. in our local fellowship. i did not regularize how far out of the norm i was, until i started hearing what he was talking about. today, well today, i can accept that in this respect i am different and chances are that i will never return to their way of thinking, as it is a cocoon i have tossed off, to further my journey to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. no what i see is a future of being accommodating to the notions expressed, and making the changes necessary to continue my recovery journey. i cannot and will not expect others to make my outlook into consideration when they go on and on about the notions of the divine and i will seek the power to cease the judgement train and find what i need to hear in what they may be sharing. after all, there is one thing i am certain about, no matter what the POWER that fuels my recovery, may or may not be, IT is what keeps me clean, today and the only way i will be able to stay clean in the long and short term is to surrender to that POWER,, participate actively in my fellowship and allow myself to become whatever i am in the process of becoming, just for today.

∞ DT ∞