โ the world of addiction is a world of taking and being taken โ
Posted: Sat, Sep 15, 2007 08:41:54 AM
the world of recovery is a world of giving and being given. in which world do i choose to live?
a very interesting question, and one that is very appropriate for today. i am off on a trip far away, with a bunch of guys who get the privilege of using. the whole dichotomy here is that i am out of my normal comfort zone, and will be without the means to make the phone call that may save my life. this is not the first time i have taken such a trip, nor will it be the last time, but part of me still thinks that as long as no one knows i can still be clean and have a bit of something that i have not had in the past ten years. so the question about which world do i want to live in, rings loudly in my ears.
i have lived the half life before, using and still pretending to be in recovery. living that sort of life was miserable back then, and i am certain that it would be miserable once again. returning to a life of active addiction is not an acceptable alternative to me today, so i will need to carry my recovery tool box with me, and rely on the POWER that has kept me clean over the past few days. i have FAITH in that POWER to sustain me, but i still feel a bit of anxiety.
so what is the solution? well for one i can take my recovery literature with me. i can maintain my spiritual condition by doing what i need to do. most of all, i can believe in myself and remember which world i want to live in. honestly, living in the the selfish, self-centered world of active addiction is not what i want. even though feelings can be painful, even though giving and receiving love can be risky, the pain and danger of returning to the life of filling my emptiness with the next fix is an even worse alternative.
so off to Honduras i go, and all i need to remember is that i CHOOSE to be in recovery on a daily basis, what tomorrow brings is the miracle to make that choice once again.
a very interesting question, and one that is very appropriate for today. i am off on a trip far away, with a bunch of guys who get the privilege of using. the whole dichotomy here is that i am out of my normal comfort zone, and will be without the means to make the phone call that may save my life. this is not the first time i have taken such a trip, nor will it be the last time, but part of me still thinks that as long as no one knows i can still be clean and have a bit of something that i have not had in the past ten years. so the question about which world do i want to live in, rings loudly in my ears.
i have lived the half life before, using and still pretending to be in recovery. living that sort of life was miserable back then, and i am certain that it would be miserable once again. returning to a life of active addiction is not an acceptable alternative to me today, so i will need to carry my recovery tool box with me, and rely on the POWER that has kept me clean over the past few days. i have FAITH in that POWER to sustain me, but i still feel a bit of anxiety.
so what is the solution? well for one i can take my recovery literature with me. i can maintain my spiritual condition by doing what i need to do. most of all, i can believe in myself and remember which world i want to live in. honestly, living in the the selfish, self-centered world of active addiction is not what i want. even though feelings can be painful, even though giving and receiving love can be risky, the pain and danger of returning to the life of filling my emptiness with the next fix is an even worse alternative.
so off to Honduras i go, and all i need to remember is that i CHOOSE to be in recovery on a daily basis, what tomorrow brings is the miracle to make that choice once again.
∞ DT ∞