ยก too much is sometimes still never enough !
Posted: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 07:20:14 AM
i came to recovery with a spiritual emptiness within me, as hard as i try, i have yet to succeed filling that emptiness myself.
this is one of those readings i never got for the first few times i read it, BUT, it is one i understand today. i get that a symptom of the part of me i call addiction, is the never enough syndrome, as i still fall prey to it today. i love when i can justify that behavior with a quick little flippant response “after all, i am only an addict, and…”
well this morning, that just does not do the trick. this morning i want more and i expect more from myself, and when the need comes to fill the void, instead of reaching for the quickest fix, i need to see where i am lacking in allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life. yes, you heard me correctly, for me, the solution is not more of anything of the material plane, it is the need to deepen my s0piritual side, by strengthening my connection with the divine. there is no chicken and egg dichotomy here, addiction is a condition that robs me of my connection with anything beyond the mundane world. it is root it the profane and shuns all that is spiritual, making me believe that the answer to my longing must come from food, sex, money or the latest, greatest, shiniest and most expensive new toy. this is not self-flagellation, and there are no affirmations of how well i am doing needed, it is the honest truth, when i act out i am diminishing my link to the spiritual. when i succumb to my need for instant gratification, i am feeding the part of me that i call addiction and enabling that part to further distance me from the POWER that fuels my recovery, to say anything else is at beat disingenuous.
as i recover, i am learning that i do not need outside validation of how ell i am doing. as foreign as the concept is to me, accumulating the most of anything will not fix what ails me. which of course brings me back to where i am in my spiritual journey, preparing myself for the plunge into STEP FOUR, once again. there is nothing wrong with me that cannot be repaired through the process of recovery and pretending otherwise will lead me back into the world of i want it all and right now, DAMMIT!
i am not so sort of spiritual giant or guru, although there are times i like to play one, the simple truth is, that i have just enough spirituality today as i need to stay clean and progress in my recovery, to claim anything else leads me down the rabbit hole of needing your approval to feel good about myself and plays to what i think i need to do, which is look good no matter what.
so time to jump into the shower, scrape off 24 hours worth of life and head on out. it is a great day to be walking a path where the void within has something that can and will fill it to the brim, no matter how broken i may feel that i am, and i am broken, but i am also in the process of being repaired, one day at a time.
this is one of those readings i never got for the first few times i read it, BUT, it is one i understand today. i get that a symptom of the part of me i call addiction, is the never enough syndrome, as i still fall prey to it today. i love when i can justify that behavior with a quick little flippant response “after all, i am only an addict, and…”
well this morning, that just does not do the trick. this morning i want more and i expect more from myself, and when the need comes to fill the void, instead of reaching for the quickest fix, i need to see where i am lacking in allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life. yes, you heard me correctly, for me, the solution is not more of anything of the material plane, it is the need to deepen my s0piritual side, by strengthening my connection with the divine. there is no chicken and egg dichotomy here, addiction is a condition that robs me of my connection with anything beyond the mundane world. it is root it the profane and shuns all that is spiritual, making me believe that the answer to my longing must come from food, sex, money or the latest, greatest, shiniest and most expensive new toy. this is not self-flagellation, and there are no affirmations of how well i am doing needed, it is the honest truth, when i act out i am diminishing my link to the spiritual. when i succumb to my need for instant gratification, i am feeding the part of me that i call addiction and enabling that part to further distance me from the POWER that fuels my recovery, to say anything else is at beat disingenuous.
as i recover, i am learning that i do not need outside validation of how ell i am doing. as foreign as the concept is to me, accumulating the most of anything will not fix what ails me. which of course brings me back to where i am in my spiritual journey, preparing myself for the plunge into STEP FOUR, once again. there is nothing wrong with me that cannot be repaired through the process of recovery and pretending otherwise will lead me back into the world of i want it all and right now, DAMMIT!
i am not so sort of spiritual giant or guru, although there are times i like to play one, the simple truth is, that i have just enough spirituality today as i need to stay clean and progress in my recovery, to claim anything else leads me down the rabbit hole of needing your approval to feel good about myself and plays to what i think i need to do, which is look good no matter what.
so time to jump into the shower, scrape off 24 hours worth of life and head on out. it is a great day to be walking a path where the void within has something that can and will fill it to the brim, no matter how broken i may feel that i am, and i am broken, but i am also in the process of being repaired, one day at a time.
∞ DT ∞