Blog entry for:

will i choose to live, the one in which having everything will never be enough or the world where i am okay with what i have, but i can strive for more, on more than the material plane? certainly a great question that goes to the heart of who i am today and what the true nature of my insanity is, as well. as much as i have been sharing about “stories” it actually boils down to a single story that i have been telling myself for so long, that i have come to believe that is who i am.
as i shared today at my home group, pulling in the perspective of what i have seen and felt this week, and the words of my sponsor, what i realize is that today, it is insane to believe that i have to be bigger, better and badder than all around me, in order to feel okay about myself. the mother fo all my stories is that very notion, that to feel good about who i am, i have to compete and win, against the entire world. when reality does not match and i am not the winner, i NEED to make up a lie, to rationalize why the hell things are the way that they are. it is NOT my responsibility to be okay, it is the world's responsibility to provide for my needs, wants and desires. it is not my responsibility to allow change to happen, it is up to the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me in that respect. best of all, it is the fellowship's responsibility to care for and love me, just the way i am. if any of that falls apart well i cannot blame myself for it, after all i am a flawed and far from perfect human being, that happen to be clean, just for today. deny, obfuscate and justify, then become my default behaviors and sink into a morass of self-pity and self-seeking that will not lead me to enlightenment or growth, but fits the STORY that i have made part of my DNA.
what i am seeing now, is how freaking insane that really is and cannot see what the payoff is for me. if i live in the fantasy world i created fifty years ago, i do not have to accept the growing body of overwhelming evidence that i no longer need to separate myself from the crowd and that is the nature of my insanity these days. where once upon a time i got relief in the very first time i used, i have never felt that again, no matter how hard i tried. in fact, the only relief i have gotten from living that dream, is through a program of active recovery and that leads to its own set of consequences, good, bad or indifferent. when i let go of the STORY that has defined me for ever, what will be left of me and who the fVck will i end up being? it feels as if i am being asked to have a perfectly healthy looking arm removed, because i cannot detect the fact that it is riddled with disease. my denial and lack of FAITH hold me back from letting go of something that has not ever worked, but kept me safely isolated from the reality of life. so as i approach the deadline, given to me by my sponse, i do have a whole lot to “feel” my way through and become better acquainted with where i may be going, just for today.

∞ DT ∞