Blog entry for:

more than once i have heard my peers and associates in recovery, speak of filling that empty spot inside with something anything. some of them even go far enough to call it a “God-shaped,” hole, echoing the sentiments expressed in the reading today. i have written about using food to fill that void, and although i have moved beyond that, i am still stuck in using things, material things that is, toys and electronics. i pretend that i really NEED something, obsess about it and tell myself that it is okay BECAUSE i got a really good deal. i reach this state less often these days, but it would be dishonest to say that i never get there.
i am not quite certain that i describe that void as “GOD” shaped, as i am not certain how my notion of GOD happens to be shaped, and yes i am in a very literal direction today.coming back to the here and now and into a more philosophical bent, i feel that no matter what i feel, i can be okay exactly with what i have today. it is true, that i have yet another trip to the dentist to replace a crown that has once again broken, due to all the rocks i do not chew. it is true that a service co0mmittee meeting will replace my normally placid and smoke-filled Tuesday afternoons. it is also true, that as i continue to feel my way towards defining in thirty seconds my take on the spiritual world, i am starting to see, that even though i am out on the tail of the bell curve of my fellow addicts, i have not left the room, so to speak. i still want to be part of the fellowship and yet, i do not want to fall in\\to the trap of seeing things the way everyone else does, just to be part of the fellowship. this whole internal struggles has been coming to head the past few weeks, and my clean date anniversary has given me the opportunity to pause, and consider what is really important to me, fitting in or a spiritual path i can feel are not mutually exclusive states of being. all i have to do, is remove from my mind that how i see the spiritual side, while not exactly like many of my peers, is exactly how i NEED to see that side of my recovery and grow comfortable in the fact that i see things a bit differently, and there is nothing wrong with that.
the emptiness, or God-shaped hole? well i still feel that void and when i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery into my life, that void seems to shrink, at times it is so infinitesimal that i can hardly detect it, and that is a very good thing. got get showered off and into my work day. yes, i may have the 50 ft commute today, but that does not mean i get to be less than present for my employer. it is a good day, to allow the void to be filled spiritually and not materially.

∞ DT ∞