Blog entry for:

enough of anything to fill that emptiness, is certainly the mantra of folks such as myself, addicts, in and out of recovery. my seemingly insatiable appetite for praise and approval, falls right into that bucket and even though, i am moving past the place where my esteem is based on the approval of others, it still plays a part in what i DESIRE, on a daily basis. there is still a HUGE part of me, that feels as if something is missing in my life, even if i have everything that i need in order to thrive. life in my skin is challenging and exciting at the same time these days, as i tip-toe through the tulips of setting or restoring the boundaries between what i expect and what i accept. that includes what i see in others as well as myself.
as i move into what popped off the stack as i am apt to say, it was not filling the emptiness that heard nor was it all about getting enough, it was more about seeing who i am, becoming and wondering if i will be able to live in the skin of this new and improved version of myself. this is not the first time i have tripped over and about this issue. it is certainly a recurring theme as i embark on the steps that follow number FIVE. this upgrade feels a bit different this time and although i believe i have got past all that was and see myself in a different light, there are more than a few lingering doubts left behind. part of what is weighing on my minds are several men i have sponsored when they were wards of the state of Colorado. none of them seem to want what i have to offer. one is on his way back in with some pretty hefty new charges, one left me behind completely and the one who “looked” as if he might get it, is slowly drifting away. if i based my esteem on how well they did, i would be in serious trouble. some of the time, i do, however, take on their stuff, even today when i know it is not a healthy choice. that is what it is.
in a similar vein, that sort of introspection leads me down a path of whether or not i am fit enough to carry any sort of message. i left a friend dangling when he is quarantined in his home with his family after inadvertently becoming a super-spreader. where was my compassion and empathy when he txtd me that my clean time token had arrived in his mailbox? nowhere to be found! the real question is why it took two days to actually own my wrong and ask how he was doing.
<insert one thousand and one excuses here>
anyhow, with all of that as fodder for the void as i workout, i think i will post this little bit of random brainwaves and hit the streets. i am grateful that i have made progress in allowing the damage i caused over the decades of believing the most destructive shit about myself, can and will be healed, if i invite the POWER that fuels my recovery to do so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞