Blog entry for:

the POWER that fuels my recovery, has been trying to give me.
it has been a very nice day away from the hustle and bustle of home, and as i sit here smoking a stogie and pondering the nature of life the universe and everything, i wonder now if i was a bit harsh on an old acquaintance who once meant far more to than they do today. it feels like they expect me to jump through hoops to spend some time with them and interprt my slience as some sort of rejection, so they decided to up the stakes, and their bet has probably not gotten the response from me that they expected or desired. i can say, that as far as i am concerned, their feeble attempts to start over was more insulting than soothing and i wonder if i need to give them credit for the effort anyhow. it all comes back to the old adage that clean time does not equal recovery and if nothing changes,one's clean date will.
today, i am no longer intimidated by decades of clean time, i have seen enough to know who is walking the walk, and who is just marking time and i can be one of those, either or, that choice is up to me as well.
it is the POWER that fuels my recovery, that allows me the FREEDOM to choose, becuse that POWER provides me all that i need to stay clean today. it is nice to have FAITH that allowing that POWER to provide for me, is necessary and sufficient for me to get another day clean. the gravy, is the filling of the spiritual void and the ability to see the path before me, in at least the near term, you know, the here and now.
sitting out here in the afternoon sun, waiting for the show to begin, as in the wildlife parade, i wonder where i would be, more importantly who i would be, if i had fufilled my original 15 month plan. i would not have been wondering if i was too harsh on someone, in fact, i would be wondering if i had been harsh enough. i would no be recuperating from a week filled with the love of those who are the closest to me, because there would have been very few loved ones left in my life, nor would i be sitting on a deck in the mountins, typing out 500 or more words about what i think is going on inside of me. no as it is late Saturday afternoon, i would be in the process of making what felt like a infinite series of calls to line up my party favors for the rest of the weekend. the real mind trick is even imagining i would still be alive or if i was alive, whether or not i would be free to come and go as i please. i cretainly would hve been in some sort of prison, mentally if not literally. what that brings to me is a feeling of graditude and the realization that i still mistake pain for anger. interesting thought to cloe this out. it is pain and my fear or pain that seems like it is driving me, so as the SIXTH STEP works me, it is time to allow that change to sink in and perhaps unblock me from the light that the POWER that fuels my recovery is trying to shine upon me.

∞ DT ∞