Blog entry for:

money, or sex never seemed to be enough for me to feel okay, in any sense of the word. love, affection praise and validation, were no better in plugging that hole. the conventional wisdom of the program states that was missing from my life was a connection to a POWER greater than addiction. that may certainly be the case, but even after i developed that connection and surrendered my will and life into Its care, such as it was, that hole still was present and i sought new and different ways to fill it. as i stay clean and get a grip on who i really am, rather than the person i purported to be, i see that connection with a HIGHER POWER, while necessary, was not sufficient for me to start to feel whole. the trail of breadcrumbs seems to be leading to a place where my worth, or lack of it, keeps me from accepting that i am okay, with or without anything but the loving care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
ah, i can hear the gears a-grinding now, if that is the case, then why do i feel unworthy of accepting that care as sufficient to walk in the light, with what i have today? that is a question that seems to have plagued me since i became self-aware and certainly consumes much of my thought processes in active recovery. the cycles i spend on considering why i am less worth than the men i sponsor, my peers, my family members, my acquaintance and people i see on the street, is not a mystery anymore. the mystery is how to move on from a lie that came to be my “TRUTH.” what seems to be the answer to that question is just be okay with what is and let go of the what was and what may come. that is the same answer i have been getting for the past twenty-five years, so why should it be any different today. 🤔 🤯
looking at what i have felt and thought in the past few days, i know that there are many in my life, who refuse to acknowledge that i have moved beyond their little games of false-dependency and needing to be catered to, on a daily basis. their desires no longer take any precedence in my life and when they are ready to actually talk about who i am and where i am going, i am more than willing. until that moment arrives, they will have to deal with them, as i am keeping myself sane by staying away, emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically. right here and right now, i am worth being whole and genuine. right here and right now i am worth living beyond the lie that defined me for so long. right here and right now, i am ready, willing and able to improve myself. physically, emotionally and spiritually and no cost is too much to pay in that effort. so it once more into the fray i venture, as i am willing to be something more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞