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In which world do i choose to live, as there is little in between. there are very few things that are binary, mutually exclusive states of being in the world i occupy. where most of the world is of the **horseshoe and hand grenade** paradigm, i have come to understand that i am either clean or i am not and no amount of tap dancing or jazz hands, can change that fact of life. when it comes to living in the world of addiction or recovery, the boundary is not quite so distinct, as i can be retiring to the world of addiction without crossing the thin blue line of actually using something. many times in my recovery i have found myself in a state of spiritual lapse and the only thing i was, was abstinent, hence technically in recovery. the first eighteen months of this recovery journey is a testament to that very idea, being clean without recovering. when i read the reading this morning, i speculated on how close i have come to crossing over to the “dark” without ever picking up a single mind or mood-altering substance.
of course, there is that obvious example, the night in New Jersey, where i actually paid for one of my most favorite things and white-knuckled that early morning away. as ugly as that night was for me, emotionally and spiritually, it was the nuclear blast this addict needed to get his ass into a single program, work the steps in a fellowship where he actually fit and become a member, exactly where he belonged. no regrets in getting myself into that seemingly intractable situation, where it took a POWER far greater than me, to stay clean for just five minutes at a time. when i consider the amount of willpower it took to stay clean, and my apparent lack of that very same willpower in the past, it is certainly the evidence i needed to start my journey to uncovering a connection with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
getting clean, also revealed to me, how materialistic and status conscious i am. oh i would love to say, that before i got clean, i did not care what or how much anyone else had, but i always noticed, as there might be something there for me to pilfer, to support my need to get high. the truth is not quite as black and white, once my need to use was tamped down and removed, my need to “shine” in the eyes of others took over and i went way overboard in all sorts of shopping sprees and service commitments, to validate myself in the eyes of my peers. new clothes or weekends devoted to service to my fellowship, were not all that much different, they were the ways and means for me to boost what little self-esteem i had, and worked okay for quite a bit of time. in fact, this last set of steps have helped take the power out of what i think others think of me, at least in the recovery realm. that lack of esteem, was a manifestation of my inability to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to fill me with what i need to live clean today. it was a symptom of my desire to find a loophole and start using “like a gentleman,” after all these days. the truth is, even after twenty years clean, there is still within me, a glamorous notion that someday i will be able to use, but that day is not today and i think i will stop talking about how to fill the spiritual void that is still within me and all the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's job, just for today.

∞ DT ∞