Blog entry for:

...i am tempted to rely on another human being to meet my needs. dependence on human beings is risky at best, as they fall short of perfection. so my dependence must rest on a POWER greater than myself, for only that POWER will never fail me.
okay first things first:

Happy 6th Anniversary Mike C
thanks for taking all those phone calls!

okay from here on out it is me. so as i ponder the tricky question of where to place my dependence, i must first do a bit of qualification. for me, my drug or drug combination of choice never failed to do the trick, i got high right to the end, my self-medication worked exactly as advertised, and there was absolutely no feeling of betrayal until way after i got clean. so then the question needs to be: what the fVck am i here? well that long story has been rehashed on these pages over and over again, so in brief i am here because i decided to stay clean for the court system and was afraid of going to prison. FEAR was stronger than addiction back in the day, and the FEAR drove me to do some work until recovery became something i desired more than lack of FEAR.
so anyhow, where was i before i digressed. oh yeah, feeling betrayed by that on which by had come to depend upon. one of the ways addiction was manifest in my life, even before i used for the first time was my strong dependence on others. although i acted very non-conformist, uncaring about what others thought, and seemingly very independent, that was a fragile shell, that was on the verge of being smashed when i used for the first time. so carrying that behavior forward into recovery was a no-brainer, after all, you guys kept telling em that i had to learn to depend on the fellowship, and the group to provide me the means to recover, so in my twisted little head, i took that to its logical extreme, and hence the people-pleasing and approval seeking behaviors i had finely honed in active addiction were just polished up a bit and became part of my recovery gig to boot.
so as i have grown through the process of the steps, especially this last cycle, i am coming to see, that yes everything i need to recover does come from the fellowship, but not through ANY ONE HUMAN BEING! it is the collectives of the groups and my fellowship on which i can rely, and place my TRUST, for that is the gift that my concept of a HIGHER POWER has given me. i get the answers i need through the mouths of those collectives, and all i have to do, is be present for what they are trying to tell me. so it is off to the streets to care of some errands and deal with a bit of reality. life is good today, all i have to do is pay attention.

∞ DT ∞