Blog entry for:

i may be tempted to rely on another human being to meet my needs.
confession time, since i have always been cynical enough to distrust all human beings, placing any sort of dependence on them, has not been an issue i have faced. in fact, the opposite was true, i had to learn to trust my peers and actually learn that i could rely and yes depend on them in the manner suggested by the fellowship. speaking of which:

Mike C!
Wot a year it has been
Congrats on making it 11 years in a row.

on e of the reservations i hear my sponsees share about is that they could not possibly stay clean if so and so was permanently taken away from them. or even more bizarre in my not so humble opinion: using when a relationship is going south, as if sharing a clean date or active addiction is going to be that magic bullet to make them well. ironically, those who are in this boat seem to also be the ones that say they do not need any help and cut the very people who can give them sane and rational feedback, from their lives. talk about forming a gruesome twosome!
i, however digress, as this is supposed to be about me. so way up at the top, i made a statement before i got involved in other people's stuff, that i came to the rooms totally dependent upon no one but myself, or so i would have said, loudly and with authority. that was part of the fantasy structure i had built up, in order to continue to justify my life in active addiction. the truth was, that it was my family that was providing not only the financial support i needed to continue, but in the end the moral, emotional and spiritual support i need. the codependent relationship only spun tighter and tighter day by day and when i came to the rooms, that relationship was all that sustained me. so here i sit, just over sixteen years after i finally surrendered to the facts of life, wondering how it was that i ever stayed sane and rational enough to get clean. it took over thirteen months to surrender to the fact, that it was not what and how i used that made me an addict. it took another two or three years to find a POWER that could fuel my recovery and come to believe that even i, could be more than just a dirty junkie, hiding in the shadows form civil and so-called normal society. across that span of time, hiding in the corners of the rooms, or playing big fish in a small pond, i saw that maybe, just maybe, i could begin to trust that my peers were there for me, and that if one was not there to lend a hand, there would always be someone else to step up to the plate. in short, i learned to depend upon the collective of the fellowship, as that is part of how i see the POWER that fuels my recovery today. i could depend on a human agency, rather than a human being, and i have always been rewarded by getting just what i need from exactly when i need it. ironically, as i grew to depend upon them, i found myself making more sane decisions in my personal life and allowing myself the freedom to be open and loved by others, to the point of, if they go away, i will certainly feel like using. i have gown a vulnerable heart and there times i afraid that when it Hurst it will suck so bad, that i will slink away to those dark corners and do what an addict naturally does in the shadows, USE!
this morning? well this morning i am in a good spot and looking forward to celebrating a clean date anniversary with one of the men, who choose to allow me to sponsor them. i get to go to work and i get to write this little ditty and i get to feel, to love and to be a part of a very fragile condition called life. i squandered that gift for far too long, so just for today, i will cherish the time i have on this side of the grass and do what i can, to live it to the fullest. yes, it is a good day to be alive and to be clean.

∞ DT ∞