Blog entry for:

so as you all may or may not know, i do not claim to be a GOD kind of person. in case that is not clear, what that means to me, and the manner in which i use it is this: my concept of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is in no way, shape or form, similar to structure to the concepts of my society, my culture and90% of my peers. stepping away from what i once learned and into a new and quite different path, is not easy, and has certainly caused a moment of angst or two, recently. where i seem to be landing is that there certainly is a POWER, that is more powerful than addiction, that allows me the opportunity to take care of all my needs TODAY. that POWER gives me the strength to stay clean, just for today, and is available for me to access and use 24/7. it is just that simple, and that is where i am certainly like my peers, associates and acquaintances. the shape of that POWER and how i can access that POWER, is certainly different, and is not a topic i need to go into here. for all this talk of a POWER that fuels my recovery, to have two of my peers, say that prayer and meditation are the “forgotten and ignored” spiritual concepts, really threw me for a loop. yes it is true, the ELEVENTH STEP is not the topic of many meetings, and yet, when i really listen, i hear it being referred to at almost every meeting. perhaps, because i am on STEP ELEVEN, trying to get the lay of the land, in my newly reconfigured vision of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i peculiarly sensitive to mentions of conscious contact, when my peers share. with that in mind, what i heard this morning was not quite what this reading was about, so let me see if i can figure it out, by “writing about it.” BUT FIRST:

MIKE C!
TWELVE (12), COUNT 'EM, YEARS CLEAN!
Congrats my friend,
Keep coming back.

not too long ago, i heard a peer share that they had the ability to “make” anyone like them. i was at once struck with this is a notion that may explain my feelings towards my peer, as i seem to be way out of the mainstream in my opinion of them. sometimes i feel like everything they say is a lie, all that they do is to make themselves look better in the eyes of whatever audience happens to be present, and in the long run they will fVck me over the first chance that they get. i feel like a hypocrite, all the time when interacting with this peer, and wonder what is it in me that is reacting so contrary to the rest of my peer, with respect to this one addict. certainly i could be jealous and envious, as they seem to flow socially much better than i do and everyone seems to like them, regardless. or it could be, i see them exercising the very skills and abilities that allowed me to survive all those years in active addiction: deflection or blame, playing to the crowd and telling just enough of the tale to look good. what i heard this morning, or at least what i felt was that maybe i see something no one else does, but do not worry, stop fretting and realize that they are mostly harmless and IF i am correct will be found out before much longer, as it is not my job to expose the fronts as i see them. i can demonstrate my love by not saying sh!t and moving with the crowd, and i am not a hypocrite because i choose NOT to call someone out on their crap. after all, today i am willing to accept that i might be wrong and even if i am not, i am willing to accept to hold my tongue until i am asked a question. i know that is certainly the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞