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the only thing i had ever depended on, and that betrayal left me floundering. actually i was betrayed time and again, on the the substances, people and what i was cultured into believing. although i am not **GOD** guy, i can certainly get behind the idea that i there is much that i CANNOT depend upon, BUT i can depend upon the program that has given me this new way of life. more on that in just a bit. there are some folks that just muddle through, day in and day out, without pathetically screaming “FML”, all over social media. they suffer as much as the rest of the us, but they carry on. one of those is a man i have had the opportunity to know since he first got clean:

Mike C 🢧 15 years clean!
Congrats, my friend.
You provide the evidence i need
to believe this gig will keep working for me, JUST FOR TODAY.

back to the trenches, as it were. the one thing i have come to depend upon is the program or recovery i was forced to accept into my life, all those days ago. i am living proof that IF i do what is suggested, i can stay clean and live a life that is not nearly as destructive as it once was. i can be a part of this world, and need not be looking for that next “fix,” no matter what it happens to be. the reading is about dependence on a HIGHER POWER and i can get that notion as well, at least, just for today. not being a **GOD** guy, i have struggled in the past with depending on a HIGHER POWER, especially when i forced myself into the box of the notion of a HIGHER POWER that was given to me by my culture. even though i knew from the beginning it would never fit, i wanted to do this program “perfectly,” once i finally became a member. it was conformity that led me to HIGHER POWER i could not feel or rely upon, and it was conformity that kept me in that box, for far longer than i needed to be. oh yeah, FEAR, as i truly believed that IF i wanted what others had, i had to do what others did, even up to the point of how they saw the POWER that fueled their recovery. i confused conformity for unity and once i finally gave myself the permission to let go of how i looked in the eyes of my peers, well at least in this instance, i found a POWER that i could rely upon and has not failed to provide for my needs yet.
i am not one of those who prays for a whole lot and as i finally walk through my fears about what may happen if i let go and allow the recovery process to take hold once again. i just may find that prayer may be a greater part of my life. i have been saying that my FEAR was that prayer may, but that was obfuscated my true fear, a return to a spiritual path that is not who i am. i lack the FAITH in myself and my program to allow what will be, to be.
Just For Today, i have the FAITH that if i rely on the POWER that fuels my recovery, i will get everything i need and an opportunity or two to get what i want. in the season of giving and taking and orgiastic consumer frenzy, i am glad i have a minute to be centered on what it is that i really am, just another addict, with another day clean, BY CHOICE.

∞ DT ∞