Blog entry for:

no human force can restore my sanity, care for my will and my life, or be unconditionally available and loving whenever i am in need. well before moving very far there is a bit of bidness for me to take care of:

CONGRATS on 7 years clean MIKE C
AWESOME DUDE!
KEEP COMING BACK and GO BRONCOS

okay that being accomplished, quite honestly i had trouble settling in for any quiet time this morning. what that may be i do not know, nor is it relevant to what i am going to be zooming in on, but perhaps before i dive into this i think i will give it another try…
much better. i now understand why this was so troublesome for me this morning. after seeing a friend put his dependence into a relationship and another human being, i remember why and how i did the same thing, more than once in my recovery. the sane part of that whole chain of events is that i have learned that humans can and will fail.
it is true that i am dependent on others, after all the man whose clean date i called out at the start of this, did give me the pause to stop and think and drive past the legal drug dealer, in a time of great darkness for me. i am dependent on the woman i love to provide us the means to pay our bills and to have a clean and healthy living relationship. i am dependent upon my sponsor to provide me guidance and to show me how to get out of the sh!t i seem to manufacture in my head. all of those relationships are maintained by a dependence on one another, i am after all, involved in a mutual support group. as is evident from the list above, i have removed all my eggs from a single basket. and have spread my dependencies around. more than once i ended up dependent on a single person, and more than once they were physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually unavailable when i needed them the most. then of course there are the times in my life when i was dependent on no one. those times, even when they occurred after i got clean, were some of the most fVcked up times of my life. so the sanity that has been restored to me, is to depend upon the POWER that keeps me clean, to provide me the means and the opportunities to take care of what needs to be taken care of today. that is a healthy dependence and the relationship i am building with that POWER will sustain me through the darkest times, after all, Mike did not keep me clean that night, BUT Mike was the means that led to the ends of me staying clean one more day on that dark summer night years ago. he was the instrument of a HIGHER POWER, giving me what i needed to get home and get to bed and get yet one more day clean.
anyhow, i have rambled on long enough, and my need to burn some excess calories is calling me. it is a good thing that i do not ask those calories to be burned off without any effort on my part, as the means to do so would probably not be to my liking. so have a festive holiday season and i will be back here tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel!

∞ DT ∞